Moving On

"If I had a formula for bypassing trouble, I would not pass it round. Trouble creates a capacity to handle it. I don't embrace trouble; that's as bad as treating it as an enemy. But I do say meet it as a friend, for you'll see a lot of it and had better be on speaking terms with it". ~Oliver Wendell Holmes

 They say adversity makes us stronger. Pain and suffering, while at the time can seem unbearable, in the end is supposed to prepare us for the things ahead.

Since my time while being out of school, I've been no stranger to adversity. I've been no stranger to pain, anxiety, and just having no clue where life was taking me. The only thing I was a stranger to, was myself.

Many times during some of my darker periods I had no idea who I even was. This anxiety riddled person just wasn't me, and I was determined that it wouldn't be me. I was determined that some how, some way, I was going to make a big name for myself, and ideally, I thought that was going to be through tennis.

See, as shy as I have been (though I personally feel I've grown out of it, especially recently) I always quietly liked having some sort of attention on me, especially with sports. Whether in gym class just being the best at something, or when the annual speech competition came up at school, I liked doing well, I craved being successful. Hell, we all do, we all want to be good at what we do, but many are satisfied with only having one thing, only having one area of expertise to perfect and define themselves.

One of things that drove me the craziest while out of school was I felt I had none of that. I really felt I had no purpose, which for me was difficult because I'm a purpose driven person. I don't do things to be in the top 10, the 3rd best, 2nd best, anything like that..I do things to be the best, and if I'm not the best, I'm not satisfied.

See I CRAVE competition, psychotically sometimes; and that's where the tennis came in.

I knew before my 1st pro tournament I was a decent player, but I really had no idea the level at which professional tennis is truly played at...that's why I got my ass kicked.

So I went on, I trained during the winter with the goal in mind of playing in all 4 tournaments that come to the GTA in August/September. I worked my butt off and felt I had gotten myself to a new level. I changed racquets, developed a much better forehand which could actually handle heavy baseline rallies, but most importantly I perfected my serve. My serve had always been very hard, but it would go in maybe 20% of the time on my 1st serve at the most, and my 2nd serve had nothing on it. So I completely redefined my serves, and completely redefined myself, by losing over 35lbs.

So the summer roles around again and it's almost time for the first tournament of the 4, but about 2 weeks before it, I get involved in a serious car accident and sustained very bad whiplash, and muscles injuries in my back.

Because of the accident and doing physio + massage 3 times a week to rehab it, I couldn't do the first 2 tournaments. So now the third tournament came, and it was the one at the Tennis Canada grounds, Rexall Centre. I decided that I wouldn't go to work that day (even though I had only worked there for 2 weeks) and I'd do the tournament. I got a BYE the 1st round, and ended up facing a young Canadian like myself, though he had experience playing at the Junior level and had a National ranking. The match finally started and the 1st set, minus solid serving of my part was shaky. The second set I played much better and was in every single game, I just couldn't overcome. Ultimately, he was at a higher level than I was, and that's where the personal battle of what to do next has begun.

See, I had taken my game over the course of a year to a new level, one where I could compete against these guys to a degree, but just not enough to get over the line. So I've constantly be wondering "now what?", do I stick with it and search for someone that can take me to the next level again, and give it a go again next summer? Or should I just face it, and work for a year then go to school for Journalism, which I also have a passion for.

Right now, I've chosen the latter. To work, meet new people, and just go from there. But honestly I don't think there is a right or wrong option. The thing that bugged me the most is that during the whole winter while doing the tennis training people kept telling me "you've got to face reality", but what is reality? Who is to say what reality is for each individual person? One person's reality could be that the world is a dark place without hope; while another person's reality could be that it's a world of opportunity, and that's mine.

I don't want to define myself to one way to go, one path and if that path doesn't work then what? I've done that..I've put all of my eggs in one basket, and what happens when you drop that one basket and they all break? Then you're left with nothing.

I had a good talk with someone one day, and it's funny how they said almost exactly what I was thinking - if you want something in life you need to go out and get it. If you want to be a pro tennis player DO IT. If you want to be fit BE IT. If you're interested in a person go over there and get to know them. If you want something, simply get it, go for what you want despite what others opinions may be.

I've learned there is nothing selfish about doing you. Obviously, you should try and help others, don't live JUST for yourself, but remember yourself from time to time. There are always going to be people who say that you are being selfish by making yourself happy, but really, THEY are the ones being selfish because by you doing things for yourself. It probably means you are no longer doing things for them, which they are too lazy to do for themselves. I didn't go to work, I missed my 2nd shift to play in a tennis tournament, that could have gotten me fired, and I knew that..but I wanted the tennis, it was a once in a lifetime opportunity, and sometimes those are the decisions which you have to make.

So as I work now, working towards my own vehicle and going to school, I realize that as much of a stranger as I became to myself, I believe I might know myself better than ever now. I think sometimes we focus so much on our weakness', that we don't even know our strengths, but I do now. I know what I know, and I know what I don't know. I know the kind of people I want in my life, and the kinds I don't. I know what I want to take away with me from my journey. When I'm older, I want to tell grand kids stories about things I did, and chances I took. I don't want to be another face in the crowd, working 8 hours a day doing something I hate.

Most importantly, I've learned that I can still be someone, without being a professional tennis player. There is much more to life than that. As good as hitting an ace or a forehand winner feels, having someone tell you what you write is beautiful, or feeling a connection with another person, can feel so much better.

Here's a line from a blog I read recently which I will leave you with, I find it incredibly true.

"Athlete success and failure is a perfect model for life. Rarely, if ever, will you reach the top. And once you get there, the peak is small and short lived. Failure is far more common, but we should still embrace challenge. Ironically, the beauty of life is enhanced through struggle, and the peace found after failure."


Thanks for reading,
-Chris