When I broke my ankle 5 and a half weeks ago, I really didn't think I broke it. I got up, feeling embarrassed that I took yet another spill while skating, and prepared myself to keep on going, and to fall again. Instead, I stood there, both skates on the ice, wondering why the pain wasn't slowly getting better, and why it was so much different than any minor tweak I had experienced before.
I stood in the same spot for a couple of minutes, then finally decided to try and skate it off. I skated to the other end of the rink, but every time I put my right skate down, it felt a lot more wobbly than it had just a few minutes ago. I finally got to the boards and stood there for another few minutes, until I decided to test out my leg. I lifted my good leg, and magically, I couldn't feel my right leg or foot anymore, and almost went down.
Fast forward now past me getting off the ice, going to the hospital, having a nurse laugh at how I stupidly injured myself, and the doctor coming in and telling me I broke my fibula. I'm on crutches now, in a tenser-wrapped splint that eventually became an air cast.
Five and a half weeks have gone by since then; and in that time, I've really had no other option but to stay at home when I'm not at school, and sort of just wait for the time to pass.
Before I broke my ankle, I would usually go out somewhere after school. Whether it was for a short drive, or to pick up a friend, or just to find somewhere to go, I went. I'd try and avoid coming home at all costs, not because of anyone or anything at home, but because I don't really feel comfortable with the idea of facing my thoughts, and not having something to occupy my brain.
In being stuck like this, I've had no other choice but to be stuck with myself, which has brought on both good and bad. It's good, because it's good to confront things that make you uncomfortable. It's good to push yourself, and hope that you can get past that certain thing weighing you down. At the same time though, it's been tough. I've had periods where I've felt like I lost all of my determination to get better, or to work on school, or to interact with anyone. At times, I've felt like all I want to do is sit and think about how much I hate being like this.
I've also had to learn how to plan ahead, but also to focus short term as well.
While in the past I feel like I've had a good mix of these, they were sort of on different terms while being non-weight bearing in a cast. In the long term, I had to plan ahead what I'd need in the hours to come, so that I could have it close by, or how I'd do something on crutches, or get somewhere on crutches. At the same time though, and almost for the exact same reasons, I've had to learn how to do things very short term as well. When you're on crutches, you're sort of at everyone's mercy. You can't drive, you can't carry things, and you really just can't fend for yourself. So you sort of need to plan in the now when you know that someone has a free moment.
And while I'm on the topic of people, I really can't understate just how appreciative I am of everyone who has helped me. I've really become extremely dependent, and so many people have been there to help me out, and have made this whole situation that much easier. Especially my mom, who has basically become my driver everywhere, and has helped me so much at home.
I joked the night after this happened to someone that I went from watching "how-to" videos on youtube of how to skate, to watching how-to videos on how to use crutches on stairs, and that I had sort of gone full-circle. I suppose in another sense I've gone full-circle in that I was planning on blogging about being a 20 year-old learning how to skate, to now possibly blogging about my rehabbing process.
Anyways, I just wanted to share those few thoughts on what has been going through my head these past weeks. I've certainly gained a larger appreciation for walking, and for those who still continue to work and actively do things despite a major disability.
When I see someone else on crutches, I'll happily go running to help them out...that is, when I can run.
Thanks for reading.
