This Ol' Millennial Brain

I read an article recently talking about how we barely have any control over our brains. That our brains are nearly their own entities in a way, because we have such little control over them. This makes sense, because mine seems to really enjoy toying with me.

I'm a millennial, that means I'm from Generation Y. This means I was born somewhere between the early 1980s and the early 2000s. Being born in 1994, I'm actually right smack in the middle.

I don't know how much this truly means to me and the way my brain works. I don't know if it's the reason that I can barely get any reprieve from my thoughts. Maybe that's just the way my brain works. But I have a feeling that it has at least a bit to do with it.

Millennials are raised to believe that we should chase our passion and can achieve anything we want. We're raised to believe that we're destined for greatness, and that a simple, well-paying 9-5 job isn't enough unless we're 100% happy, 100% of the time. This, I believe, is why we're never happy.

I'm never happy, nor am I ever satisfied. I'm never happy, because my brain is always trying to figure out what's missing. It's always telling me lies; it's always telling me I'm not doing good enough.

My brain likes to tease me. It likes to give me a few days, or even weeks of control, of comfort. Then, just as quickly as I gained that control, it snatches it away from me, sending me into emotional tailspins that may last a night, or may last days. These tailspins are frightening because they turn me into someone else. They turn me into an existential mess. They turn me into an emotionally cold person who wants to separate himself from everyone but also run to everyone for comfort at the same time. They send me for long drives and long runs. They make me tired after being up for 2 hours. They make me question every thing and everyone around me.

I'm going through one of them right now.

Whenever one of these tailspins strikes, it feels like it's the worst one I've ever experienced. It's like catching feelings. You're convinced that this time, it's real. This time, it's permanent and will never go away. It's overwhelming, and it drowns you.

I'm a fairly existential person at the best of times, which I again believe goes back to being a millennial. I'm always in my thoughts, and it kind of feels like I'm having an asthma attack, but in my mind. Everything is rushing around, thoughts flying down the highway that is my head. I can't think without thinking about what I'm thinking. I can't experience without dissecting my thoughts. I can't enjoy because I fear for the moment the enjoyment ends.

I question everything. I can't remember the last time I made a decision that I was happy with, because I'm convinced everything I do is wrong.

- I turn left...shit, I should have turned right.

- That girl in the grocery store just smiled at me, maybe she's the one...crap, she's gone. I guess I'll never know.

- Should I text this person back, or should I end it here? *sends text* fuck, I definitely shouldn't have responded. Now I feel stupid, desperate and needy.

I don't really enjoy writing as much as I used to. Maybe because I don't lay it all on the line like I did before. Writing also forces me to be in my feelings, which makes everything a bit less genuine. While  I truly am feeling the way I feel, the most candid writing would be done right when I'm in the middle of a breakdown, but that just can't happen.

I feel very lost and empty, which is another product of my generation. I feel lost, mostly because I feel empty. From the outside, I'm doing really well. I went from high school drop out to college graduate, and now I'm doing another program, one which I'm enjoying much more for many reasons, and it's actually fulfilling in some emotional senses. But none of it is quite enough. I've felt empty for a long time, and I've successfully accomplished many of the things which I've set out to do, which I thought would make me feel a better sense of self. I've graduated, I've lost weight, I've been successful at many sports which I enjoy, and I experience cool things, but none of this has quite filled that void. This scares me, because as much as I think I know what'll fill that void, I also know that I'm a bit of a wanderer. I know that I'm scared that this is it, and I'm always chasing, and I'm scared that that'll continue no matter what I do.

I'm also tired of questioning my relationships and everyone's motives. I go from "damn I'm surrounded by the best people ever" to "please never contact me again" real quick. And the problem is, I don't know what it is. I don't know if it's me, and my inability to be accepting and happy, or if it's the people, maybe the people make me feel empty, or maybe it's both? Either way, it weighs on me day and night, because I want to just enjoy my relationships and feel like I'm part of something, but questioning everything stops me from doing that.

Finally, I'm very overwhelmed by changes in my life. In the last year, my friendships have changed drastically. People have come and gone from my life so quickly; some of those good, some of those bad. I've had fights, and I've had heartbreak, and for the first time, I had death. Everything feels so temporary and out of my control. Everything feels so surreal.

I long for the days of doing and being. I long for a time when I didn't compare myself to everyone, where I didn't beat myself up over every little thing. I wish I had more confidence, and believed in myself and my choices. I wish I could right everything. I wish I didn't fight with certain people, or took more time with others. I wish my timing in some situations was better. I wish some people saw things the way I see them.

I wish things weren't like this.