Lets just dive right in.
Art
Art is A LOT of different things. You can classify the creation of anything, really, as art. And I love it. I love creating, it's one of those things that kind of shortly validates me inside. But I had something happen the other day that kind of has me feeling out of place.
I created a photo that I feel might be my best yet, especially from an artistic "this is different" standpoint. It's a black and white night photo of a glowing ball in someone's hand, and it's surrounding by blackness. Before this photo, I'd classify some stuff I did in Grand Haven as my best, but that didn't make me feel anything.
This time, I feel kind of lost because I feel like I NEED people to see this. I NEED to get this out there. Maybe because I'm a bit of an asshole and think highly of my work, but it's hard when you post something on Instagram, on your website, and print it out and that's it. It's done. Now you have to do better. Now you have to one-up yourself. You have to create BETTER art, and while that can be good inspiration to push yourself to create more, it also weighs on you, because you're scared you peaked. I know it's silly, I know I haven't, but that's what I fear. I *always* fear that I'll never do or find better, in anything.
Feeling drowned out
I feel like I'm sort of ignored, or at least pushed aside. My ideas, my thoughts, etc. I'm not the loudest, and I'm not the pushiest, so I feel like a lot of what I say or do is shrugged off, and I'm not given the credit I deserve.
I learned quickly that the loudest, whether or not they're better than you, will always get more recognition. That's just the way it is, because they pull in more attention. But this weighs on my self-perception. This weighs on my belief in myself that I'm legitimate. That I am good at what I do. That I create good work and have good ideas and actually know what I'm doing when it comes to Advertising & Marketing.
I have to remind myself, every time I sit down to create something new that I deserve to be here. That my ideas will get me somewhere, and that certain other circumstances will not hold me back.
Women
This is one I don't think I've ever talked about on my blog, and I don't talk about this with many people.
Must of us have this hole; this void that we feel we need to fill, and we all try to fill it with different things. The opposite sex, alcohol, art, drugs, athletics, etc.
When I was younger and awkward and overweight, I had this idea that one day being able to pick up attractive women would make everything okay. It would fill any sense of that void I had at an early age. It was all I wanted, and all I thought I needed.
Fast-forward to being 22. Fast-forward to 2016 where there's been a lot of women, a lot of attempts at love, and a lot of emptiness in return. It's been a hard reality to face that no matter how many cute girls I talk to, no matter how many numbers I get or people I go out with, it does not make me feel like a validated person. It doesn't fill any hole, at all. And I continue to live in this weird circle where I feel like the *next* one will. "Oh, the last (however many) haven't? The next cute girl that likes me will definitely make me feel whole." I even used to think that even if things didn't work out with a cute girl, I'd STILL be happy because hey, a cute girl finally liked me.
This isn't the case and this is a huge part of my emptiness. There's nothing more draining than thinking something will fill the void, only to get it, and find out that it does nothing.
The Future
We're gonna end this on a positive.
2016, while being terribly sad in many, many ways, has also brought me MANY opportunities. From all of the road trips, to getting back into photography, to now hosting photography galleries through local businesses, there has been SO much happening, and it's been absolutely amazing.
I've already met so many amazing people through these galleries I'm setting up, and we're only gonna grow and get bigger and get more photographers. My photography is getting better, and there will be more (hopefully paid) opportunities in the future.
I also went into 2016 telling myself I was going to do stand-up comedy, and I've gone onstage about 7-8 times this year, most of those have been in the latter half of the year too.
Next up is to begin podcasting. That'll be the goal for 2017. I've always loved interviewing. I love listening to these podcast of people just talking about life, and I want nothing more than to get that started.
I also got to see so much in 2016. Road-tripping to Florida, going to Nashville & Cleveland, covering most of Michigan. For a kid who had never left the country before April, I've covered a lot of ground and I know I'll cover much more in 2017.
Thank you to everyone who supports this. Who supports the art, the crazy ideas, my regular need for attention, and everything associated with me. Thank you for being behind this. There aren't *that* many regular supports (don't get ahead of yourself if you occasionally like my IG photos), but to the people that TRULY push me forward and inspire me and believe in the occasional craziness, thank you so much.
