When it comes to thinking about life and having these big self discoveries, they tend to come at the weirdest times, just like this one. This one came while I was in the shower. Have you ever seen the picture where it depicts a guy standing in a shower for like 30 minutes, contemplating the origin of the universe, then the other 5 minutes are spent shampooing + soaping? That was basically it.
Anyways, I've known for a long time that I am a guy who fears things. I worry a lot, I am an obsessive person, that's just the way I am. Slowly that has grown over time, I've known that for a while. But what I didn't realize until recently was that my whole life has sort of been, as the title says - Driven By Fear.
Let's start off from a young age and work our way up until now.
When I was young, around 5 or 6 I began to get close to my dad. Even after he left my mom, he was starting to really put things together, but then he would leave just as we got close. This was a trend that has happened all throughout my life. This lead to me fearing getting to close to someone, I fear betrayal. This leads me to get very obsessive when people don't respond to texts, or seem to sort of walk out of my life, slowly but surely. You see, I have no problem erasing people from my life, and I have no problem letting them walk away. But if someone is walking away and I have no clue why they are doing so, I NEED answers. It drives me crazy. This leads to me over-thinking peoples actions.
Focusing on my school life now - Through out every grade, I sort of had a different persona. This is because I fear not being accepted. It's not so bad now, because I am now more comfortable with who I am, but lets be honest, don't we all sort of fear it at times? We want to be accepted by our peers! Whether it is at work, school, a club you are in, a sports team you are one, we want to be accepted! But the problem is that lead me to changing who I was constantly. I wasn't happy enough with who I was, that I needed to become who others wanted me to be. That affected me greatly through school. At some schools (I did a lot of switching) I was very popular; at some schools I dealt with very harsh bullying, and at some schools I was just sort of the guy standing to the side. I wasn't popular, I wasn't not popular. Sometimes I would have lots of fun, sometimes I would be very lonely, it just depended on the day.
This next one is a lot more generalized, but I fear failure. I always have, and that's not saying I fear losing, trust me there is a difference. In life you are going to lose, you are especially going to lose before you win. But losing doesn't exactly mean you failed, it can simply just mean you got out played by the opponent, I can take this better than I can failing. In baseball, when I used to step up to bat, I feared striking out. Before throwing a pitch, I feared making a bad one, or hitting the batter. Before catching a ball from the pitcher, I feared dropping it. I don't fear those AS much anymore, but it plays into your mind.
In school, I feared failure in terms of getting the answer wrong, that's why I never put up my hand. I feared others knowing that I wasn't capable of something, or I didn't know something. I felt I had to be perfect, and that's caused a lot by, again, insecurity in myself.
Now, I almost feel like I fear everything. I feel like every move I make, I'm worried about doing it wrong. I play out the worst possible scenarios in my head. Am I going to get sick? Am I going to get hurt? What if -this, what if -that. I sort of fear like I am in this jail inside my head sometimes, mainly relating to the fear of being ill.
Being driven by fear is not the only thing I discovered through, I discovered that through that, it shows I am not at the point in my relationship with God that I would like to be. I realize that, what I have is sort of this human -to- divine being relationship. I am here, on earth, and he is up there, that's about it. But that's not what I want to have!
I want to really have a deep connection with God. I want something deeper than flesh and bone - I want a spiritual relationship with him. If I have that, I will have faith in him, because right now I just feel that I do not have enough. This is a major difference between Religion & Faith, right now I am stuck on the religion side. I believe in him, but I almost don't have faith in him.
I've talked before about having these holes in my life which need to be filled. I have now taken my GED, that is a hole that is filled. Soon I will be playing baseball again, that is another hole filled. But no matter how much I do, I will never feel complete until I get to that point in my faith with God.
John 4:14 - "but whoever drinks the water I give him will never thirst. Indeed, the water I give him will become in him a spring of water welling up to eternal life."
Right now, what I am drinking is not filling me, and I continue to feel hollow.
At this moment, I am a Worrier; with him, I can be a Warrior.
Peace and God Bless,
Chris
Wednesday, April 18, 2012
Friday, April 6, 2012
The End Of A Chapter
A couple of months ago, I blogged about entering a new stage in life (which you can read here) Now, I'm at the end of that, and I feel I'm entering a new chapter, one which as excited as I am about continuing my journey, I am also somewhat dreading it.
Back in December when we decided I would be living part time with my grandparents and part time at home, I thought it was gonna be a bit of a grind for those 3 and a half months. I was really looking forward to spending the time with my grandparents, and getting to play tennis, but I thought all the back and forth would be hard. That I would sort of be living out of a suitcase (or a big black bag with a broken zipper, in this case) for the time being. I would always tell people "Yeah, I'm looking forward to it, but it's gonna be tough". Well, as it turns out, I couldn't be more wrong.
There are a couple of things I've really grown to learn over the last three months, some of which scare me. There's one thing I've learned in particular, it's that there are some people that I just don't need. Now, when I say I don't need them, I mean I don't need to lean on them, I'm not going crazy without them. That honestly scares me - for 2 reasons.
1) It's sort of a sign of growing up. Which doesn't sound all that bad, but it makes you realize that you are in fact becoming an adult.
2) We (or at least I) trick myself into believing that not NEEDING something or someone means that maybe we aren't as attached as we once though. I don't think it's completely true, but it does mean we can go without them at least for some time.
See, I honestly believe that we want to need people/things. It gives us sort of a sense of comfort in knowing there are people above us, that we need to hang on to. I think that's a big reason behind a lot of relationships (in this case bad ones) continuing on. The two people want to feel like they need someone. If not, you sort of feel alone.
And that's what scares me. I have seen I can go without my sisters, I can go without my mom and even my dog who is like my baby! Do I want to see them? of course! But do I need to see them everyday to feel like all is right? No, and I never really knew that before.
In fact, I'm a little worried about what the last 3 and a half months has done to me. I really don't want to leave my grandparents place. I miss my dog like crazy sometimes, and I miss hanging out with my mom too, but there's almost a feeling of dread coming over me. Today is my last day doing this. I have a tennis match tonight, then I am back home tomorrow for good. Now, luckily it is summer and I will be out doing tennis/golf and baseball most (if not every) day, so it won't be so bad. But I almost have that depressed "2 weeks left of August before I go back to school" feeling. I'm sure you all remember how that feels.
I also realized something literally as I was writing this. When I left school, my first 16 months out of it were probably the worst of my life, I felt like I was in jail in myself. But I've realized that those rough times were sort of like building a new structure. During those 16 months I had to demolish the old structure, my old way of life. Now I am starting to build up my new life, this adult life. I think we probably all go through that phase in life, but because I left high school 2 years earlier than most, it was sort of more dramatic for me. There was really no warning of deconstruction, it actually began without my consent. But now as I am past that, and more in the building phase, I've accepted it. I will undoubtedly go through more rough times, especially since the construction is going on for my new life. Even after it's done, there will be rough times; maintenance.
Anyways, I am excited about starting another chapter. I've vastly improved with the tennis, and now I get to train in more of a setting that will benefit me. I have golf, I have baseball, and I'll be taking my GED at the end of the week. I get to chase my dream still, but also have the comfort of knowing if things don't work out I can go to College, which means so much to me.
Happy Easter, and God Bless.
Chris
Back in December when we decided I would be living part time with my grandparents and part time at home, I thought it was gonna be a bit of a grind for those 3 and a half months. I was really looking forward to spending the time with my grandparents, and getting to play tennis, but I thought all the back and forth would be hard. That I would sort of be living out of a suitcase (or a big black bag with a broken zipper, in this case) for the time being. I would always tell people "Yeah, I'm looking forward to it, but it's gonna be tough". Well, as it turns out, I couldn't be more wrong.
There are a couple of things I've really grown to learn over the last three months, some of which scare me. There's one thing I've learned in particular, it's that there are some people that I just don't need. Now, when I say I don't need them, I mean I don't need to lean on them, I'm not going crazy without them. That honestly scares me - for 2 reasons.
1) It's sort of a sign of growing up. Which doesn't sound all that bad, but it makes you realize that you are in fact becoming an adult.
2) We (or at least I) trick myself into believing that not NEEDING something or someone means that maybe we aren't as attached as we once though. I don't think it's completely true, but it does mean we can go without them at least for some time.
See, I honestly believe that we want to need people/things. It gives us sort of a sense of comfort in knowing there are people above us, that we need to hang on to. I think that's a big reason behind a lot of relationships (in this case bad ones) continuing on. The two people want to feel like they need someone. If not, you sort of feel alone.
And that's what scares me. I have seen I can go without my sisters, I can go without my mom and even my dog who is like my baby! Do I want to see them? of course! But do I need to see them everyday to feel like all is right? No, and I never really knew that before.
In fact, I'm a little worried about what the last 3 and a half months has done to me. I really don't want to leave my grandparents place. I miss my dog like crazy sometimes, and I miss hanging out with my mom too, but there's almost a feeling of dread coming over me. Today is my last day doing this. I have a tennis match tonight, then I am back home tomorrow for good. Now, luckily it is summer and I will be out doing tennis/golf and baseball most (if not every) day, so it won't be so bad. But I almost have that depressed "2 weeks left of August before I go back to school" feeling. I'm sure you all remember how that feels.
I also realized something literally as I was writing this. When I left school, my first 16 months out of it were probably the worst of my life, I felt like I was in jail in myself. But I've realized that those rough times were sort of like building a new structure. During those 16 months I had to demolish the old structure, my old way of life. Now I am starting to build up my new life, this adult life. I think we probably all go through that phase in life, but because I left high school 2 years earlier than most, it was sort of more dramatic for me. There was really no warning of deconstruction, it actually began without my consent. But now as I am past that, and more in the building phase, I've accepted it. I will undoubtedly go through more rough times, especially since the construction is going on for my new life. Even after it's done, there will be rough times; maintenance.
Anyways, I am excited about starting another chapter. I've vastly improved with the tennis, and now I get to train in more of a setting that will benefit me. I have golf, I have baseball, and I'll be taking my GED at the end of the week. I get to chase my dream still, but also have the comfort of knowing if things don't work out I can go to College, which means so much to me.
Happy Easter, and God Bless.
Chris
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