The End Of A Chapter

A couple of months ago, I blogged about entering a new stage in life (which you can read here)  Now, I'm at the end of that, and I feel I'm entering a new chapter, one which as excited as I am about continuing my journey, I am also somewhat dreading it.

Back in December when we decided I would be living part time with my grandparents and part time at home, I thought it was gonna be a bit of a grind for those 3 and a half months. I was really looking forward to spending the time with my grandparents, and getting to play tennis, but I thought all the back and forth would be hard. That I would sort of be living out of a suitcase (or a big black bag with a broken zipper, in this case) for the time being. I would always tell people "Yeah, I'm looking forward to it, but it's gonna be tough". Well, as it turns out, I couldn't be more wrong.

There are a couple of things I've really grown to learn over the last three months, some of which scare me. There's one thing I've learned in particular, it's that there are some people that I just don't need. Now, when I say I don't need them, I mean I don't need to lean on them, I'm not going crazy without them. That honestly scares me - for 2 reasons.

1) It's sort of a sign of growing up. Which doesn't sound all that bad, but it makes you realize that you are in fact becoming an adult.

2) We (or at least I) trick myself into believing that not NEEDING something or someone means that maybe we aren't as attached as we once though. I don't think it's completely true, but it does mean we can go without them at least for some time.

See, I honestly believe that we want to need people/things. It gives us sort of a sense of comfort in knowing there are people above us, that we need to hang on to. I think that's a big reason behind a lot of relationships (in this case bad ones) continuing on. The two people want to feel like they need someone. If not, you sort of feel alone.

And that's what scares me. I have seen I can go without my sisters, I can go without my mom and even my dog who is like my baby! Do I want to see them? of course! But do I need to see them everyday to feel like all is right? No, and I never really knew that before.

In fact, I'm a little worried about what the last 3 and a half months has done to me. I really don't want to leave my grandparents place. I miss my dog like crazy sometimes, and I miss hanging out with my mom too, but there's almost a feeling of dread coming over me. Today is my last day doing this. I have a tennis match tonight, then I am back home tomorrow for good. Now, luckily it is summer and I will be out doing tennis/golf and baseball most (if not every) day, so it won't be so bad. But I almost have that depressed "2 weeks left of August before I go back to school" feeling. I'm sure you all remember how that feels.

I also realized something literally as I was writing this. When I left school, my first 16 months out of it were probably the worst of my life, I felt like I was in jail in myself. But I've realized that those rough times were sort of like building a new structure. During those 16 months I had to demolish the old structure, my old way of life. Now I am starting to build up my new life, this adult life. I think we probably all go through that phase in life, but because I left high school 2 years earlier than most, it was sort of more dramatic for me. There was really no warning of deconstruction, it actually began without my consent. But now as I am past that, and more in the building phase, I've accepted it. I will undoubtedly go through more rough times, especially since the construction is going on for my new life. Even after it's done, there will be rough times; maintenance. 

Anyways, I am excited about starting another chapter. I've vastly improved with the tennis, and now I get to train in more of a setting that will benefit me. I have golf, I have baseball, and I'll be taking my GED at the end of the week. I get to chase my dream still, but also have the comfort of knowing if things don't work out I can go to College, which means so much to me.


Happy Easter, and God Bless.

Chris