Rebuilding

In life, it's essential that we re-evaluate ourselves sometimes. Our goals, our current path in life, our relationships, etc. Sometimes we need to just sit down and ask ourselves "Is this good for me?", "Are things going as planned?", "Where do I see my current decisions taking me?".

One of those things, as mentioned, is our relationships with people.

Over time, we naturally grow, not just physically, but mentally and emotionally as well. Our maturity changes, some for the better, some for the worst. This means that people we maybe started off as having a lot of things in common with, we no longer do. Maybe people we once didn't see eye-to-eye with, we now understand.

And that change that we do isn't always for the better. We see this in others, we see them becoming completely different people than we originally new them to be. No longer do they just have different opinions, but they become strangers to us.

Sometimes, we hang around in those relationships. I know, myself personally, I have a tendency to hang around in relationships too long. When I get to know someone I end up completely investing myself into them emotionally, and when things go astray, I try and ride them out, ride the tide and fix things.

Eventually you learn though, some people you just can't change back to the old them. Some people you're just meant to let go of. As hard as it is, it's something that, if you don't do it, you can end up hurting yourself more than leaving that relationship.

See, if you stick around in what I call a "poisonous relationship", you end up hurting yourself more and more over time. You pick up that persons bad habits, you despise the things they do, which you yourself end up doing. Their bad habits basically rub off on you. I'll give you an example: Back in grade 4, going into it I was this super innocent, never swear sort of kid. In that school though, there was lots of it, there was lots of anger and that eventually came off onto me, without even realizing it. I remember one time I was having an argument with a kid, and out of no where I dropped a F-bomb. I totally surprised myself, but as much as I hated it, it continued and continued.

There's the saying "The apple doesn't fall far from the tree". Typically referring to one's home environment, meaning that, what your parents do and say, eventually translates into you (the apple). But instead of just defining that tree as your parents, I think we can broaden that spectrum, to say, everyone you spend your time with. Your inner-circle of friends have such a huge impact on you, and you don't even realize it. They're the tree, and with time, if you spend your time with people who really, just aren't good for you, you'll become one of them. With that though, we should also keep in mind for many others, we are also a tree. And the beauty of it all is, we can let that apple fall close to us, but we can do good things with it. That apple doesn't always need to be a bad apple, but I think we underestimate ourselves, and our power that we have over other people's lives; just how greatly we can shape someone, especially those younger than ourselves, those who look up to us.

But now, I always wonder, and I continue to, "Why do we stick around those who we know are bad for us?", "We don't we get ourselves out of negative situations?". Well, here's my opinion why:

In today's society, drama is glamorized, pain and suffering is heroic, we don't even want to be happy, because being happy is boring.

The bad things in our lives are what keep us going. Much like the saying "Without evil, there is no good", without bad, without pain, there is no joy. It's the pain and the fear that make us want the next day; the next issue to come. It keeps us intrigued. Much like with being an athlete, if you don't fear failure, you can't have that passion to push yourself further and further.

Unfortunately, like at times when war was concerned romantic, we're addicted to stories of overcoming, and pushing past things that held us back.

Personally, I'm a huge fan of sports autiobiographies. I've read many like Josh Hamilton's - Beyond Belief, or Theo Fleury's - Playing With Fire". Both are stories of overcoming extremely difficult ordeals in life, such as sexual abuse, and drug abuse. Now, don't get me wrong, both are FANTASTIC books, they were amazing reads and their stories are incredible, and I applaud them and have a tremendous amount of respect for them. But think about it, how much more intrigued are we when someone comes along and has success, after opening up about being through things like that. Even more so, when someone has a relapse.

Think about celebrities for a minute, think about the magazine titles you see on stands when in stores. How many of the pieces in them are actually POSITIVE? Next to none, why? Because nobody cares when good things happen to others. It's a sad but true reality. Nobody cares if someone had a great day, got a job they were looking for, etc. But someone totaled their car? Someone broke up with someone else? That's all interesting. Why do you think when people ask how things are going, and you respond with "Good", they never ask why, yet, when you respond saying "Well, they could be better", suddenly people are interested.

Lets face it, we are a drama, pain & suffering crazed society!!

You know, I think staying in bad relationships also says a lot about how people feel about themselves. Do they respect themselves? Do they feel they deserve better? And what about when you finally do get out of a bad relationship, what about when others around that relationship side with the other person?

I've learned to just let them. I put so much effort into my relationships, people should quickly figure out, I'm always there for them. I'm a good dude, and if I do wrong, I usually don't mean to do it, and if I do, I correct myself. So I tell myself, you know what, let people walk away from you. If people are stupid enough to go against your word, to believe the lies and manipulation someone may throw around about you, then those aren't the kind of people you want to have around in your life anyways.

So, in order to avoid these "poisonous relationships", we really do need to evaluate ourselves from time to time and ask if what we have going is a good thing. As the saying goes "When the grass is cut, the snakes will show". Sometimes, we need to cut that grass, we need to tear down the walls that we have built up. Sometimes, those walls just need to be re-done. Go over them, fix them up a bit, and hey, good as new. But sometimes those walls needs to come down. And those walls will come down in order to make room for new ones to go up.

See, when you leave that grass to just grow...more and more snakes will comes, and when you eventually get around to cutting it, you've left yourself with quite a big mess to clean up. But when you keep it short, you can easily spot those snakes, and remove them without much hassle.

Anyways, I'll end on this: Because of what I went through leaving school early, and the rumours being tossed around me then, I learned quickly how to deal with stuff maturely and properly. When you do that, not only do you make yourself feel better about how you handle the situation, you look better; and those tossing crap around about you, they just end up looking like fools.

Sometimes you need to burn bridges, in order to build new ones.

Thanks for reading,

Chris

A Couple Stray Thoughts

Typically, I like to have a main purpose, a main topic behind my blog. That won't be the case this time.

This blog, is basically just about what is on my mind. I've had a lot on it lately, with relationships, athletics, and many other things, and tonight I decided to finally unload and share them on twitter.

Anyways, I feel like I've been in a real rut lately. Every day just seems to be the same thing. I sit and do nothing, waiting on maybe 1 or 2 hours of something a couple nights a week. I don't feel meaningful, and ultimately, I only do when I'm playing sports.

See, since leaving school, I guess it's safe to say I haven't felt "normal". Normal, being a term used very loosely, can have different meanings, but I guess what I mean to say is I haven't had a steady diet of consistency. At least not the type of consistency I would like.

You see, I have a great group of close friends, and they're amazing, but I don't have much outside of that. I don't have friends who I can just call up "Hey, wanna meet for lunch and just talk?" "Sure!". There's nothing like that, and I crave that. I just find myself so damn lonely.

All of this leads me to feel like I have a lack of meaning to my days, and everything I do. Like tonight, I hang onto 2 hours during the day, where I step on white painted lines, holding a piece of metal with strings attached, hitting a fluffy green ball. I wait all day for that moment, to step on the court and finally feel like I'm being someone. What happens though when I step off? I go back to feeling like nothing.

I see people around me, working jobs, having lives, doing things. Their days are consumed with being busy, interacting with others, etc. I don't have that unless I'm doing sports, but I've learned a very hard lesson, which I've tried to avoid.

I've learned that anxiety doesn't care how hard you serve a ball, loneliness doesn't care how dirty your circle change is, or how many regional bowling tournaments you do per year. I don't even take pride in my athletic accomplishments anymore, because I just feel like outside of the courts, the diamond, the alley, the course, it means nothing.

Then I begin to question, am I doing tennis because I love it? Do I want to be a pro because I adore the sport? Or because I fear not being somebody. And it's not even like wanting to be famous, no, I just want to feel like I'm doing something with my day. There are 24 hours in a day, I spend 22 of them hanging onto something that unless I'm doing it, means nothing to me.

I don't know how to end this, I don't know what to say. I just know how I feel. Maybe that's just tonight, maybe once things go my way and my schedule gets busy things will change, I don't know. I can't predict the future, all I can do is share my feelings with others, and what I learn from them. Maybe some of you have felt this, whatever it is, because I honestly can't even describe it in one word. I feel how I feel.

Anyways, hope everyone is doing good, and hopefully my next blog will be happier, lol.

My 1st tournament beings August 13th and it looks like I should get into it, so I'll be sure to blog around then and update everyone on my journey. I've worked my ass off all winter and up until now. I'm gonna continue to work my ass off, and hopefully it all pays off.

Thanks for reading,

Chris.