A Couple Stray Thoughts

Typically, I like to have a main purpose, a main topic behind my blog. That won't be the case this time.

This blog, is basically just about what is on my mind. I've had a lot on it lately, with relationships, athletics, and many other things, and tonight I decided to finally unload and share them on twitter.

Anyways, I feel like I've been in a real rut lately. Every day just seems to be the same thing. I sit and do nothing, waiting on maybe 1 or 2 hours of something a couple nights a week. I don't feel meaningful, and ultimately, I only do when I'm playing sports.

See, since leaving school, I guess it's safe to say I haven't felt "normal". Normal, being a term used very loosely, can have different meanings, but I guess what I mean to say is I haven't had a steady diet of consistency. At least not the type of consistency I would like.

You see, I have a great group of close friends, and they're amazing, but I don't have much outside of that. I don't have friends who I can just call up "Hey, wanna meet for lunch and just talk?" "Sure!". There's nothing like that, and I crave that. I just find myself so damn lonely.

All of this leads me to feel like I have a lack of meaning to my days, and everything I do. Like tonight, I hang onto 2 hours during the day, where I step on white painted lines, holding a piece of metal with strings attached, hitting a fluffy green ball. I wait all day for that moment, to step on the court and finally feel like I'm being someone. What happens though when I step off? I go back to feeling like nothing.

I see people around me, working jobs, having lives, doing things. Their days are consumed with being busy, interacting with others, etc. I don't have that unless I'm doing sports, but I've learned a very hard lesson, which I've tried to avoid.

I've learned that anxiety doesn't care how hard you serve a ball, loneliness doesn't care how dirty your circle change is, or how many regional bowling tournaments you do per year. I don't even take pride in my athletic accomplishments anymore, because I just feel like outside of the courts, the diamond, the alley, the course, it means nothing.

Then I begin to question, am I doing tennis because I love it? Do I want to be a pro because I adore the sport? Or because I fear not being somebody. And it's not even like wanting to be famous, no, I just want to feel like I'm doing something with my day. There are 24 hours in a day, I spend 22 of them hanging onto something that unless I'm doing it, means nothing to me.

I don't know how to end this, I don't know what to say. I just know how I feel. Maybe that's just tonight, maybe once things go my way and my schedule gets busy things will change, I don't know. I can't predict the future, all I can do is share my feelings with others, and what I learn from them. Maybe some of you have felt this, whatever it is, because I honestly can't even describe it in one word. I feel how I feel.

Anyways, hope everyone is doing good, and hopefully my next blog will be happier, lol.

My 1st tournament beings August 13th and it looks like I should get into it, so I'll be sure to blog around then and update everyone on my journey. I've worked my ass off all winter and up until now. I'm gonna continue to work my ass off, and hopefully it all pays off.

Thanks for reading,

Chris.