We Need Ourselves

 As I sit here and type this, I can't help but to be overcome by negative thoughts, I can't help but to view myself in the same way a critic might view a movie that was supposed to be about something, but ultimately failed to get it's point across. I often, mostly at night, sit and think about everything I've been through in the past 24 hours and beyond. I think about the good, but mostly about the bad. I wonder if I could have done something better, or if I shouldn't have done something at all. I think about my interactions, "Was I too mean to this person?", "Maybe I shouldn't have let so & so talk to me like that". I wonder what the point of me writing this is, I ask myself with every period, every new paragraph "Am I doing alright?". I question if I'm any good at blogging at all, I question if Journalism is really right for me....I question everything.

And that's a big part of being human. We all criticize ourselves, and we do it way too often. Everyday we live around people constantly criticizing each other, casting judgement upon one another when we really don't know anything about that person. Then we get home, away from that 3rd person judgement, and that's when we begin to look at ourselves in the mirror.

Self criticism isn't always a bad thing. It's actually an essential part of looking at who you are and coming to terms with the fact that you need to be better in whatever aspect of life it is you're looking at. But, it can also be toxic. It's amazing how we can just sit around for hours, spewing hatred towards ourselves when others have been doing it all day..where do we get off?

It's amazing because nobody knows you, nobody has been around you as long as you have. We are in our minds at all times. We never get a break from them. Even during sleep, we dream. We seem to let ourselves become slaves to our minds, as opposed to being the ones in control of them.

So why do we always go to others when we have problems? Why do we take solace in the views and opinions of others. Why, when we are the ones whom we are stuck with for the rest of our lives, do we always put ourselves last?

We have this crazy idea that we need acceptance from others. We have this blind hatred of ourselves, and that's why we feel the need to dive into social situations, it's why we feel that we have to be around others...because we fear ourselves.

When in reality, we really don't NEED anyone. We don't need the acceptance of others. When something goes wrong we don't need to run to the aid of anyone who has open arms. What we need is to first accept ourselves. We need to trust ourselves, and love ourselves before we can/should ever trust or love others. We don't seem to be comfortable enough in our own skin. It's amazing because we have such great power to do so good for ourselves. We can be our own best friends, yet, we choose to be our own worst enemies.

I'm not saying all of this in some dark "screw everyone else" sort of way, so please don't take it like that. What I'm trying to say is we need to realize that we are who we are. The body and the mind you are in, is the one you will always be in, so come to accept that. You can't truly love others if you hate yourself. That hatred towards yourself will find a way to manifest into all of your other relationships, and in the end you'll have a lot of enemies. We already have enemies, we already have demons, we don't need anyone else, especially ourselves, to be pushing us lower and lower.

As someone who went a long time while I was out of school feeling extremely lonely, I am a big believer in the fact that other people in your life are extremely important. I wouldn't be here if it wasn't for so many people, I wouldn't be the person I am today if it wasn't for so many people. Heck, people MAKE other people (but we're keeping this rated -G). So of course we need others, but we greatly underestimate just how much we need ourselves.

During that time when I felt that extremely loneliness, I would obviously from time to time have social opportunities, I was pretty shy at the time, but it was surely better than being by myself. The problem with that logic though is eventually you will be by yourself, and what happens when that time comes and you can't stand the thought of being in your brain for another minute?

Life is funny though. I've stated this before, but life is extremely complex, yet extremely simple at the same time. Often times it's extremely simple, we just make it hard for ourselves. Life seems to be this raging sea of craziness, and sometimes (like I stated in the opening paragraph), life can feel like a movie which has gone all wrong. You had intentions of doing or being something, but you never ended up succeeding. But that movie which failed to get it's point across, somehow ended up getting some other point across; a point in which actually did more good than the original one would have.

So as crazy and confusing as life can be, there's one thing that I think we all need to understand: We need ourselves. We can't accomplish much in this life if we don't have the faith in ourselves to do so, because there are a lot of people that never will. When you live life based on how other people perceive you, you end up in a lot of trouble. There's just no point in it. You can't make everyone happy, but in the end, you can do your best to make yourself happy, and that will lead you to a lot more good than it will bad.

My Journey Into The World Of Online Dating

It's still looked at with a raised eyebrow. It's still talked about like it's a fantasy world for people who can't talk to the opposite sex in person; it's also one of the fastest growing ways of meeting people.

According to Match.com, 1 in 5 relationships now start online. When you look at that as a percentage, it's not a lot, it's less than 25%, but when you look at the growth of the internet, and how it being used regularly is still fairly young, 20% isn't that small of a number. Remember, online doesn't just mean dating websites, it could also mean Myspace (haha), Facebook, Twitter, or any other social networking/sharing site you can think of.

Anyways, online dating continues to be looked at as this strange thing, yet something that I think subconsciously, many of us have an interest in. That interest + curiosity lea me to create a profile on OKCupid.

At first I thought I'd just set one up just to check the site out. I used a side email I use for things like Twitter and what not, just in case I wanted to use my real one if I ended up liking what I was seeing, and I sort of did.

The first day was more getting to know the site, and sending out mass messages to about 35 females (wheels, right?). I wasn't really sure what to expect in terms of messaging back, but it became quickly apparent very few do, as it said on their profile "Replies selectively". But I weathered the initial storm of frustration and kept going, I tried opening messages like "You should strongly consider introducing me to your cats" or "If you're cool with being my 3rd favorite female behind my Mom and my dog, we should chat". I even did quite a bit of research on things people would say in their opening message. Some were funny, some were plain stupid, and some were just people being themselves. But what I slowly began to figure out was that on a dating site, females must receive multiple messages per day. It's sort of like lining them up, and lining the males up across from them, and letting the males do their research and choose accordingly. This therefore gives the females an interesting sense of entitlement, and puts you in a position where you need to stand out.

So about a day into it I finally started getting somewhere. Being the persistent (annoying) person that I am, if I noticed a female looked at my profile but decided to not respond, I would message them a second time and THAT actually got the ball rolling. The problem is the messaging is very strange, as is the step up of knowing when someone is online. With some, it shows they are always online, leading you to believe they ignored you, when really, they haven't even read your message.

Now in terms of actual messaging conversation, I've really only had two right now. In one we're currently discussing Pets and school, and in another we're discussing growing old together and eating Swiss Chalet on Sunday while we gossip about the other old folks in the neighborhood.

So, what's the best part of the messaging system you say? There is NO pressure and NO emotions. If you lose a messaging buddy, oh well, on to the next one. It's a good way of avoiding emotions getting in the way, and once you feel comfortable enough, you can consider meeting them.


Overall:
 Overall I'd have to say I quite like it so far. It provides a means in which you can connect with people and maybe something will develop, but you also have no obligation to use it whatsoever. Simply put - you can't lose. If you don't find someone then you're just in the same position you were before, and if you find someone great! It worked.

Even if you only go on a few dates and nothing comes of it it's still worthwhile. There is never any harm done is getting to meet and chat with new people. Socially, it gets you out and interacting with people, which can end up helping your self esteem and also make you learn things about yourself, through those interactions.

The main reason I'm writing this blog though is to get rid of those beliefs that online dating is scummy and strange. It's 2012, and the internet has become a vital means for keeping up to date with news, sharing and learning, and that will only continue to grow.

Are there some weirdos out there? Sure. Are some people on there only looking for one night stands? Absolutely. But there's a lot more to it than the strangely large number of Bisexual women, and the obese girls that describe themselves as either "Curvy" or "having a little extra".

One thing I do believe though is that for someone of my age, online dating probably isn't going to work out. I think anywhere between 18-23, people aren't necessarily on there looking for lifelong partners, and if they were, they probably wouldn't be so selective with who they respond to, and would actually take the time to get to know someone.

In the end, I think online dating is a viable means of meeting someone. I've heard stories of success, and I've heard stories of failure, both of which happen online and in the outside world. Online dating isn't for everyone, but for the lucky few who have met their lover on there, I'm sure they're glad they signed up.


P.S - I will continue to update this as I go along and things progress. Meeting someone is obviously the biggest part of online dating, and that's when things get interesting.


Chris