I've been really tired lately. I've also been getting a lot of headaches. I'm procrastinating everything. The newness of a new adventure has warn off.
I don't know when it started. I don't know when days started dragging like they've been, but it's been happening fairly consistently for a while now. Get up, go to school, maybe pay attention, depending on my interest level; come home, not do that thing I'm supposed to do, feel like crap for not doing that thing I'm supposed to do; repeat.
Advertising has been great. Don't get me wrong. I am IN LOVE with making ads. I stopped feeling accomplished last year in the Broadcast Journalism, no matter how good I'd do on a TV piece, and now I'm finally feeling a sense of accomplishment again. And my class is fucking amazing. I say "fucking" amazing, because it adds emphasis to how ****** amazing they really are. One thing I missed in my other program, that we have here, is that the class feels like one big supportive family. That's what I wanted so badly when I started college, and I'm so happy to finally have that now.
But there are tough aspects too. I really dislike the marketing portion of what we do. Even though I'm doing okay, grades-wise, I really really dislike it, and in turn have trouble forcing myself to just do the work. I'm also having trouble picking up some of the technical work, especially in Photoshop, and because of that I feel as though I have this big, scary box surrounding me and my creativity, and I feel that weighing me down immensely.
I'm also having trouble balancing school and work, I think. I'm not sure, because I feel as though it may just be an excuse, considering that I only have about 18 hours of class per week, and only end up working 12-15 hours a week.
I miss biking every day. I miss exercising daily, and getting out and enjoying nature. I feel like I just watch myself live. I feel like I'm watching myself from some weird "ghost of Christmas past" perspective, and I see myself. I see myself getting lunch. I see myself going to Starbucks to work on something. I see myself interacting with people, but I feel like I'm very rarely actually involved on a personal and emotional level with these interactions. The beauty about biking, the beauty of all those km's i've done since May, is that I was fully awake, fully in-tune for all of them. I experienced and felt every tire rotation, every turn, every bump, every drop of sweat. I heard every beat, every lyric in my headphones blasting. I felt myself living.
It's just hard, and tiring feeling like every day is the same. It's hard feeling like you're dragging yourself around. Maybe I need to start going to yoga again, to make my muscles feel better. Maybe I need to start doing that triathlon training like I had planned to all along. But I feel like there are more than just physical things I can be doing for myself, I just don't know what they are.
I want to feel at one with myself. I want to feel comfortable when I walk down a hallway, or make eye contact with someone. I don't want to feel like a guy just working his ass off to finish today, only to be able to work his ass off to finish tomorrow.
It's weird, because I swear to god I do genuinely enjoy the act of being a living, breathing human. I love taking in life. I like walking down the street and looking at all of the colours of the world. I like driving when it's sunny, but the sun isn't directly in your eyes. I like making eye contact with people and feeling their gaze; feeling their emotions go straight into your eyes. I like learning new things, and meeting new people. I like trying new things, and being good at others. But sometimes, it's all just really tough. Sometimes, I feel like I'm the only one carrying this emotional weight, even though I know that's not true.
We all do, to one degree or another. We all feel uncertain, we all feel inadequate and shitty and not good enough. It's just a part of life. But it's also a part of life to try and search to remove those feelings and gain a sense of relativity; to gain a sense of importance and control and meaning. I know it won't happen over night, and I know there isn't one person, or one thing that will suddenly give me that. It's a process, a process of learning and growing and accepting. Shutting out certain things, while opening up to other things.
It's a process I'm still very much a part of. One I'm sure I always will be.
Tuesday, November 10, 2015
Sunday, September 20, 2015
I'm Back?
I haven't blogged in a while.
I feel like I start every blog with that.
I really mean it this time though. It's been what? a year and a half? Where does the time go? Last time I was sitting here typing I was still recovering from a broken ankle that happened two months prior.
I really don't know why I'm doing it either, which I guess is sort of why I'm doing it. I feel like I've been in the same place for a really long time, and I've just been waiting to break out, and it hasn't happened.
I constantly have an excuse not to blog. My allergies are acting up. I'm hungry. I think I'm gonna have to pee in 15-20 minutes. There's always something.
So how do I explain how I'm feeling? Well, I feel like I'm really bad at controlling how I feel, and it sucks. I'm really bad at just saying to myself "hey, this isn't that big of a deal, seriously, stop feeling this way." Don't get me wrong, I try. I try and I try and I try and I try, and it just doesn't happen. With it, my number of existential crisis' have increased drastically. That's shitty, because I feel like I should be able to stop it from happening. Like, I shouldn't get home and suddenly be hit with this feeling of doubt over everything in my life.
I also have a lot of doubt. A LOT. I doubt that people have good reason to like me. I doubt that they actually like me and instead just tolerate me. I doubt that someone could know this person inside, who has all this existential questioning, who has all this self-doubt, and could actually like me. Then I find people who do, and I think they must be crazy, so I push. I become emotionally abusive. I lay it all out there. I tell them off when they aren't 100% committed to helping me understand. I'm too hard on them. I'm too hard on myself.
It's been a really interesting summer too, because I feel like I learned a lot. There's a saying on Mad Men that goes "People tell us who they are, but we ignore it, because we want them to be who we want them to be." I ignored things, for a while with people. I ignored warning signs, my gut, everything. And every time I have ignored what people have shown me, it's come back to bite me. Ultimately, I'm forced to see the real them, and it sucks.
I've also said things to people, or made decisions, that were simply out of anger or hurt, and that's never good either. When you're hurt, or you're angry, you don't think about consequence. Consequence is irrelevant because you feel this overwhelming, compulsive need to say that thing that you're thinking; to make your voice heard in a way which will punch people right in the gut.
I graduated from Broadcast Journalism in April. That's pretty cool. If you've been reading for a while, especially on some past sites I've had blogs on, you'll know just how crazy that concept is, at least for me. There was a time where the idea of being a college grad was so far out of the question that the mere thought of it was almost comical.
I'm also going back to college. This time for Advertising & Marketing. I'm excited, because it's a need program which combines both creativity and business. I'm also extremely excited to work with so many of the people in my class. They're amazingly talented, and it's intimidating but also so insanely exciting to think that I may be able to work with them, or learn from them.
I also biked this summer, A LOT. That was basically my summer. Biking, baseball, and existential crisis'. But seriously, I did a lot of biking. About 1'100km between May and September, actually. It was pretty neat, because I sort of just began tracking for fun, but then I set goals for myself sort of against my own will. I was worried if I set monthly distance goals I'd lose that passion for simply getting on the saddle and riding. Because that's really what it's all about. I often feel like I'm watching my life pass before my eyes, but for that hour and a half that I'm riding, I feel like I'm in complete control of my thoughts, my emotions, everything. So of course, I had to push myself a bit harder to bike on days that I didn't quite feel like it, but I did it, and I still enjoyed it, and it was so damn rewarding.
Anyways, I think that's about it. I solved approximately zero of my problems writing this, but I sort of missed it. A friend of mine also recently started blogging, and seeing her excitement about it sort of reminded me how exciting it is to post a blog, and have your own little forum.
So thank you all for reading. I promise, it won't be a year until the next one. And as usual, thank you for the continued support. Even if I don't tell you what you mean to me, you probably mean a lot to me. Some of you more than you think. And if I tell you how much you mean to me, and then I also get mad over the smallest things, and send you texts asking you to reaffirm that you don't hate me, it's just because you're really special to me. And I'm sorry for that too. I'm always sorry. I'm in a constant state of sorry, but I'm also in a constant state of gratitude for having you around. You have no idea.
Til' next time.
I feel like I start every blog with that.
I really mean it this time though. It's been what? a year and a half? Where does the time go? Last time I was sitting here typing I was still recovering from a broken ankle that happened two months prior.
I really don't know why I'm doing it either, which I guess is sort of why I'm doing it. I feel like I've been in the same place for a really long time, and I've just been waiting to break out, and it hasn't happened.
I constantly have an excuse not to blog. My allergies are acting up. I'm hungry. I think I'm gonna have to pee in 15-20 minutes. There's always something.
So how do I explain how I'm feeling? Well, I feel like I'm really bad at controlling how I feel, and it sucks. I'm really bad at just saying to myself "hey, this isn't that big of a deal, seriously, stop feeling this way." Don't get me wrong, I try. I try and I try and I try and I try, and it just doesn't happen. With it, my number of existential crisis' have increased drastically. That's shitty, because I feel like I should be able to stop it from happening. Like, I shouldn't get home and suddenly be hit with this feeling of doubt over everything in my life.
I also have a lot of doubt. A LOT. I doubt that people have good reason to like me. I doubt that they actually like me and instead just tolerate me. I doubt that someone could know this person inside, who has all this existential questioning, who has all this self-doubt, and could actually like me. Then I find people who do, and I think they must be crazy, so I push. I become emotionally abusive. I lay it all out there. I tell them off when they aren't 100% committed to helping me understand. I'm too hard on them. I'm too hard on myself.
It's been a really interesting summer too, because I feel like I learned a lot. There's a saying on Mad Men that goes "People tell us who they are, but we ignore it, because we want them to be who we want them to be." I ignored things, for a while with people. I ignored warning signs, my gut, everything. And every time I have ignored what people have shown me, it's come back to bite me. Ultimately, I'm forced to see the real them, and it sucks.
I've also said things to people, or made decisions, that were simply out of anger or hurt, and that's never good either. When you're hurt, or you're angry, you don't think about consequence. Consequence is irrelevant because you feel this overwhelming, compulsive need to say that thing that you're thinking; to make your voice heard in a way which will punch people right in the gut.
I graduated from Broadcast Journalism in April. That's pretty cool. If you've been reading for a while, especially on some past sites I've had blogs on, you'll know just how crazy that concept is, at least for me. There was a time where the idea of being a college grad was so far out of the question that the mere thought of it was almost comical.
I'm also going back to college. This time for Advertising & Marketing. I'm excited, because it's a need program which combines both creativity and business. I'm also extremely excited to work with so many of the people in my class. They're amazingly talented, and it's intimidating but also so insanely exciting to think that I may be able to work with them, or learn from them.
I also biked this summer, A LOT. That was basically my summer. Biking, baseball, and existential crisis'. But seriously, I did a lot of biking. About 1'100km between May and September, actually. It was pretty neat, because I sort of just began tracking for fun, but then I set goals for myself sort of against my own will. I was worried if I set monthly distance goals I'd lose that passion for simply getting on the saddle and riding. Because that's really what it's all about. I often feel like I'm watching my life pass before my eyes, but for that hour and a half that I'm riding, I feel like I'm in complete control of my thoughts, my emotions, everything. So of course, I had to push myself a bit harder to bike on days that I didn't quite feel like it, but I did it, and I still enjoyed it, and it was so damn rewarding.
Anyways, I think that's about it. I solved approximately zero of my problems writing this, but I sort of missed it. A friend of mine also recently started blogging, and seeing her excitement about it sort of reminded me how exciting it is to post a blog, and have your own little forum.
So thank you all for reading. I promise, it won't be a year until the next one. And as usual, thank you for the continued support. Even if I don't tell you what you mean to me, you probably mean a lot to me. Some of you more than you think. And if I tell you how much you mean to me, and then I also get mad over the smallest things, and send you texts asking you to reaffirm that you don't hate me, it's just because you're really special to me. And I'm sorry for that too. I'm always sorry. I'm in a constant state of sorry, but I'm also in a constant state of gratitude for having you around. You have no idea.
Til' next time.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)