Here We Go Again

I've been really tired lately. I've also been getting a lot of headaches. I'm procrastinating everything. The newness of a new adventure has warn off.

I don't know when it started. I don't know when days started dragging like they've been, but it's been happening fairly consistently for a while now. Get up, go to school, maybe pay attention, depending on my interest level; come home, not do that thing I'm supposed to do, feel like crap for not doing that thing I'm supposed to do; repeat.

Advertising has been great. Don't get me wrong. I am IN LOVE with making ads. I stopped feeling accomplished last year in the Broadcast Journalism, no matter how good I'd do on a TV piece, and now I'm finally feeling a sense of accomplishment again. And my class is fucking amazing. I say "fucking" amazing, because it adds emphasis to how ****** amazing they really are. One thing I missed in my other program, that we have here, is that the class feels like one big supportive family. That's what I wanted so badly when I started college, and I'm so happy to finally have that now.

But there are tough aspects too. I really dislike the marketing portion of what we do. Even though I'm doing okay, grades-wise, I really really dislike it, and in turn have trouble forcing myself to just do the work. I'm also having trouble picking up some of the technical work, especially in Photoshop, and because of that I feel as though I have this big, scary box surrounding me and my creativity, and I feel that weighing me down immensely.

I'm also having trouble balancing school and work, I think. I'm not sure, because I feel as though it may just be an excuse, considering that I only have about 18 hours of class per week, and only end up working 12-15 hours a week.

I miss biking every day. I miss exercising daily, and getting out and enjoying nature. I feel like I just watch myself live. I feel like I'm watching myself from some weird "ghost of Christmas past" perspective, and I see myself. I see myself getting lunch. I see myself going to Starbucks to work on something. I see myself interacting with people, but I feel like I'm very rarely actually involved on a personal and emotional level with these interactions. The beauty about biking, the beauty of all those km's i've done since May, is that I was fully awake, fully in-tune for all of them. I experienced and felt every tire rotation, every turn, every bump, every drop of sweat. I heard every beat, every lyric in my headphones blasting. I felt myself living.

It's just hard, and tiring feeling like every day is the same. It's hard feeling like you're dragging yourself around. Maybe I need to start going to yoga again, to make my muscles feel better. Maybe I need to start doing that triathlon training like I had planned to all along. But I feel like there are more than just physical things I can be doing for myself, I just don't know what they are.

I want to feel at one with myself. I want to feel comfortable when I walk down a hallway, or make eye contact with someone. I don't want to feel like a guy just working his ass off to finish today, only to be able to work his ass off to finish tomorrow.

It's weird, because I swear to god I do genuinely enjoy the act of being a living, breathing human. I love taking in life. I like walking down the street and looking at all of the colours of the world. I like driving when it's sunny, but the sun isn't directly in your eyes. I like making eye contact with people and feeling their gaze; feeling their emotions go straight into your eyes. I like learning new things, and meeting new people. I like trying new things, and being good at others. But sometimes, it's all just really tough. Sometimes, I feel like I'm the only one carrying this emotional weight, even though I know that's not true.

We all do, to one degree or another. We all feel uncertain, we all feel inadequate and shitty and not good enough. It's just a part of life. But it's also a part of life to try and search to remove those feelings and gain a sense of relativity; to gain a sense of importance and control and meaning. I know it won't happen over night, and I know there isn't one person, or one thing that will suddenly give me that. It's a process, a process of learning and growing and accepting. Shutting out certain things, while opening up to other things.

It's a process I'm still very much a part of. One I'm sure I always will be.