2k15

I grew a bit, in 2015. Not physically, I've done a pretty good job of doing the opposite of that since my major weight loss a few winters ago. But I grew as a person, maybe even just slightly, but one that I find to be a noticeable change; a change which makes my day-to-day life just a little easier.

I suffer from FOMO. FOMO is short for "fear of missing out," a disease many, many of us in our teens and 20's share. Even adults suffer from FOMO to some degree, but it's said to be most prevalent at this age.

I've suffered from it for a while. It first started when I dropped out of high school, because you know what you do when you drop out of high school? Nothing. You do nothing. Aside from my well documented (via old blogs) attempts to do my schooling online, I failed miserably and gave up after less than a month. By that point, I was doing nothing every day. My routine consisted of sitting in front of my computer tweeting until about noon, when I'd eat lunch and then just play video games.

My FOMO continued to be horrendous for about a year and a half, until I started playing tennis half the week in Brampton in the winter. That got rid of a lot of my anxiety from FOMO, because I felt I was really doing something neat. A couple of hours of tennis 3-4 times a week in another city, and then when I'd come back home I'd take advantage and be able to see the few friends I had. It was really nice. Not only was I keeping busy, but I ended up losing all that weight I was talking about.

So I did that for a couple of years, and then I started college. This is when FOMO started to kick in hard again. People were partying, and I wasn't really into that scene. Friends were making new friends, so was I but it wasn't quite the same. I was really feeling the affects of dropping out, because a lot of people had these core groups of friends they'd get together with, and I couldn't really do that.

In second year of college my FOMO went away for the most part. I was kept extremely busy and I was doing some neat things for our college TV show, along with interning at Magic FM in Guelph (which was a great, great experience. I miss the amazing people there on a near-daily basis).

Anyways, fast forward to now. To the start of 2016. In 2015, I graduated, worked an amazing internship, and met so many amazing people who are huge parts of my life now, but what I really did was learn to ditch a decent amount of my FOMO. Do I still suffer from it many nights? Yes. But does it drive me insane on an almost nightly basis? No.

This year, especially recently, I've become much more comfortable with who I am, and just simply being. I've learned there's nothing wrong with staying home and reading a book, or playing some playstation while loudly playing Childish Gambino (he's great, you should listen to him. Start with Telegraph Ave). And I know these things sound insignificant, but they're not, at least to me. I always used to feel like I had to be out doing, and I sort of forgot about being. I'm trying harder now to enjoy the smaller things, like quiet nights in, surrounding myself with things I enjoy, maybe making myself appreciate the time I get to spend with people I enjoy that much more.

Of course, this is just a minor stepping stone, but it's an important one in helping myself feel more human. It's important in helping me feel like I don't need to do everything and see everyone in order to justify my existence. And there are still many things in which I need to improve upon. I still lack a considerable amount of confidence. I give up on things and believe they're over before they actually are. I push people away because I think they're eventually gonna leave me anyways, so I'd rather be the one to end it. I often feel like I'm living in a cycle of mistakes, and it gets tiring, but hopefully these "mistakes" will lead to growth.

So thank you to everyone who was a part of my life in 2015. It was a weird year that I can't quite put into words. I experienced losing a few close people, but I greatly made up for those lost in those whom I gained. I graduated, and then I immediately returned back to school, and I'm loving it and my classmates. They're amazing. I discovered new music of many different genres, I attempted to play soccer in a league, I finally found a gym that doesn't make me hate myself. I biked 1'100 kilometres in four months, and played baseball on 2 different teams. My best friend came home after being away for 2 years, and I discovered Kanye's 808s & Heartbreak, which is honestly the greatest album ever.

So here's to 2016, and the the things I know it'll bring, such as my first trip to Florida, running my first half marathon (maybe even full if I'm lucky), or seeing the Sheepdogs; and here's to the many things which I don't know that it'll bring.

*Sidenote* I just wanted to quickly acknowledge my great great aunt Helen, who passed away early this morning. She was an incredibly strong and stubborn individual, whose life had a great ripple affect through my family, all the way down to myself today. I'll never forget when I visited her a few weeks ago, my grandpa joked to her about her view from her bed, saying that "all she needed was a few men outside her window now," to which she responded "I don't think I'd have any suitors in my current state." She never lost her wit or sense of humour, and neither should any of us, ever. RIP Aunt Helen, hopefully God has enough cats and chocolate for you up there.