The Road To Self-Empowerment

Have you ever been walking past someone, and you just feel as though they're completely comfortable with themselves? Every little bit of them seems to be working cohesively, from their shoes, to their outfit, to the way their earphones are somehow not annoying them. They walk with such enviable swagger. They look like they are completely, 100% immersed in their world, and unlike you, they're happy about it.

I think we've probably all felt this way many times, if not daily. I don't think a day has passed where I haven't walked past someone in the hall and thought to myself "Wow, I really wish I had their level of individuality and confidence." They appear to feel good, which in turn makes them look good. I continue walking, and I start analyzing myself. "My left shoe is a little bit tighter than the right." "Does this shirt look stupid on me?" "I wonder what my face looks like to people right now." "Did my eye just twitch while looking at that person?"

The looks are just scratching the surface though. What I really want to know, what I think most of us want to know, is what's going on in their brain?

Personally, I really wonder how people view me. What do I look like to people? Do I look confident and comfortable? Do I look like an empowered individual? Or are my insecurities oozing behind me.

I wish I knew what people were thinking. I think, in a way, it would help us as humans be a bit more understanding of each other. It would help us feel less alone, knowing that everyone, in some way, feels really alone. I wonder to myself, what is that person thinking right now? Are they really feeling comfortable? Are they walking wherever they're going with purpose, or do they feel like they're stumbling to their next checkpoint in life just like me. Are they okay with the fact that they're walking alone right now? And if they're with people, are they happy that they're with them, or do their relationships sometimes feel just as empty as mine can?

These are all questions that, unless we find a way to read people's minds, we'll never actually know. And we should probably learn to be more comfortable with not knowing the answer, because in reality, does it really matter? Realistically, we should only worry about ourselves, right?

So that's what I'm working towards doing. That is my new goal. And while I know that it's completely unrealistic to ever think that I'll feel 100% confidence, 100% of the time, it's worth at least slowly working on it. Minor improvements are still improvements, and can go a long way in enhancing the quality of one's day.

I face two roadblocks though:

First, I am very bad at enjoying the process. Very, very bad at it. I spoke about this in my last blog, but being a millennial, I sort of want what I want, and I want it now, and I struggle when I don't begin to see results almost instantaneously. So it makes it very hard to set goals, because I have a tendency to just not follow through, or get caught up in something else. So I am also working on appreciating the minor details of growth in life as well.

Secondly, I have anxiety, and while the attacks and the severity of the attacks come and go, the lingering affects do not. They are always there, that part of your brain that tells you that you're not normal, and that you'll always feel weird? It's always talking. Anxiety likes to rip down every fibre of the confidence you've built up; it likes to tantalizingly tear it to shreds while you watch, slowly seeing everything you've been building towards ripped to shreds. Anxiety is much more than panic attacks and a nervous stomach, it's a demon on your shoulder that tells you that you're wrong, and stupid, and ugly, and that everyone else has their life figured out more than you do.

So you have to fight harder. You have to ignore those demons as much as possible, and try to accept and appreciate the small parts of your day. Enjoy driving down your street. Enjoy that walk to your classroom. Take an extra minute to enjoy the hot water in your shower (not very green of me I know). Appreciate that coffee that you grab with a friend. Just appreciate it all and take it all in stride. You're gonna have your good days, and you're definitely going to have your bad days, but don't discount the work that you've put in just because of those bad days. They, too, are part of the process.