Without getting into great detail, I just want to share something that I've learned over the past two weeks.
A couple of days ago there was a death in my grandparents church. This woman was extremely respected among the members, and truly was a woman of God. She had changed many lives for the better, through the church and through missionary work.
Anyways, she suffered a stroke, and about a week and a half later, she passed away. It really struck a chord with me, not only because I had known her my whole life, and many people I knew were very close to her, but because I had just shaken her hand and exchanged "Nice to see you's" with her about 2 week prior.
It just got me thinking about how we don't necessarily think to much into what we say, when we say it. When we say "Oh it's good to see you, glad you are doing well" we most definitely mean it, but we don't really MEAN it mean it. What I'm trying to say is, we don't really consider the possibility of them not being well, of us not seeing them. It is good to see them, but on a week-week basis, it becomes a given, sort of like a right, not a privilege.
From this I've learned that maybe we really do need to consider how blessed we are to see and talk to those we love when we wake up, or at some point. You can be extremely healthy, and your next breath still isn't a given.
Personally, I'm not afraid of death. I do not fear death as much as I fear it coming to those I love and care for. With that, I'll be trying my best from now on not to take the small things for granted.
I'm not saying I did before, and I'm not saying I won't ever again, but I think we need to try our best to seize every second of every day, because any second could be our last.
Peace & God Bless,
Chris.
Friday, March 23, 2012
Wednesday, March 7, 2012
Dealing with OCD/Germaphobia
I don't use blogger consistently, I'm not always on here updating people about my life and struggles. In fact, my life has been good lately, as I've stated in past posts. I've been playing tennis, I'll be getting my high school equivalency soon, and within 2 months I'll be playing golf and baseball again, along with tennis. Despite that though, there are still underlying issues which I need to address.
As you know, a lot of my anxiety is based around the fear of getting stomach issues. Whether it be food poisoning, Norovirus (stomach bug), etc. I greatly fear it. In fact, around this time last year was when my anxiety really began, and that fear actually grew into a fear of the anxiety in itself. I feared going into this "dark hole" as I've described it, overcome with shaking and sweating, not being able to control my thoughts, basically panic attacks.
Since then though, but more so recently, I've been developing in some ways, a worse issue. I have become an all out Germaphobe!
I've always been a pretty big hand washer/sanitizer user, even before this, but started in around the beginning of January, things greatly started to escalate.
It started one night when I was picking my sisters up from their church group. My mom had gotten talking to another mother while we were waiting, that mother mentioned about how her son was in the hospital because of some bacteria or really bad stomach bug. While that was going on, a bunch of kids come rushing from the bathroom (they're girls, they always go together) saying one of the other children (My sister's bestfriend actually) wasn't feeling well in the bathroom. Obviously, as I'm standing there listening to this my eyes probably grew wider and wider, this was a complete nightmare for me!
So we leave the church and before we get in we got my sisters to use this hand sanitizer we keep in the car, then when they got home they washed their hands and faces with soap. Now, having a fear of these things, I'd already done enough previous research to know how they are spread and how long they take to show, so I feared my sisters had already touched their eyes or nose or mouth and were already infected. This lead me to (for the next 48 hours) being a total freak about touching things. I'd turn off lights with my elbows, use kleenex to dry my hands after washing them, and just not touch a single thing I thought they could have possibly touched.
At the time I was like, alright, do this for 48 hours (then I'm in the clear) and I'll stop..and I did stop after 48 hours. But then things continued. I was constantly from then on up until now thrown into situations where I was with someone who had just been sick, I was with someone who suddenly a few days later got sick. I basically walked through this guys cough cloud at the doctors after he said he was sick all that night.
Anyways, I didn't think it was a big deal at first, but I've seen now that it really is. I have become a full fledged germaphobe. If I go out, whenever I come in I instantly put either soap or an anti bacterial cloth over my phone/iPod if I touched it while out. I constantly think about a chain of events which could have lead someone to touch something, then another thing, all leading to whatever I just touched and myself now being infected. I now ALWAYS turn off lights with my elbows, use my shirts to close doors, and if I touch something like a remote or the computer I am currently using to type this, I'll end up washing my hands before touching my phone or anything else again.
This has taken over my life!! I cannot go a second without fearing someone could have touched something who was infected, and passed it onto me. I make these webs in my head of chains leading to it. I'm constantly washing my hands, which doesn't help with my already dry and cut up hands from my eczema, most of all, it is a HUGE weight on my shoulders.
I never imagined it getting to this point, but it is wearing me down. I fear if it continues to worsen I'll never be able to go out, I'll be trapped inside my home because my fear is that strong; or if I do go out, I won't enjoy myself because of the constant over thinking I'll be doing.
Fact is, I really don't know what to do about this either. I feel I've been going no where fast with my therapist. It's basically become a "How are you? tennis good? School good? oh what's that, you're worried you might get sick? Well hopefully you don't" sort of deal. Nothing more than that, basically just a "you aren't suicidal so we don't have much to talk about here" sort of thing.
And I just feel ridiculously trapped inside myself. I've had people say to me "well just face your fear, don't wash your hands, etc" but I can't!! It's really not that easy, at least I don't think it is.
To give you insight into how much I fear these things, let me tell you this - one of the initial questions my therapist had to ask me when we first met was "Do you fear death?". Being a Christian, and a full believer in eternal life, I said no. In fact, I fear these issues more than I fear death. It is crazy, but true. It's gone from a "Well, I'm worried I might get sick" issue to a "Nobody is sick in my house, but I'm gonna do these no matter what issue". I almost feel as if I cannot enjoy anything I do anymore.
I don't believe there are any problems with being cautious, washing your hands, using hand sanitizer sometimes, hey I'm all for it! But when it has gotten to the point of almost ruining everyday for me, as it has, it's gotten out of hand.
So I don't really know what to do about it. Do I see a behavioral therapist? Do I go on meds (which I still don't want to do)? I don't know. If you know anything regarding this though, please help me out! Get @ me on twitter or leave a comment on the post. Share your experiences too! If you deal with OCD or germaphobia, please share! I feel so strongly towards people helping people, using our knowledge acquired from past or current struggles to help others deal with and avoid the same things.
Thanks, and as always,
Peace, and God bless,
Chris.
As you know, a lot of my anxiety is based around the fear of getting stomach issues. Whether it be food poisoning, Norovirus (stomach bug), etc. I greatly fear it. In fact, around this time last year was when my anxiety really began, and that fear actually grew into a fear of the anxiety in itself. I feared going into this "dark hole" as I've described it, overcome with shaking and sweating, not being able to control my thoughts, basically panic attacks.
Since then though, but more so recently, I've been developing in some ways, a worse issue. I have become an all out Germaphobe!
I've always been a pretty big hand washer/sanitizer user, even before this, but started in around the beginning of January, things greatly started to escalate.
It started one night when I was picking my sisters up from their church group. My mom had gotten talking to another mother while we were waiting, that mother mentioned about how her son was in the hospital because of some bacteria or really bad stomach bug. While that was going on, a bunch of kids come rushing from the bathroom (they're girls, they always go together) saying one of the other children (My sister's bestfriend actually) wasn't feeling well in the bathroom. Obviously, as I'm standing there listening to this my eyes probably grew wider and wider, this was a complete nightmare for me!
So we leave the church and before we get in we got my sisters to use this hand sanitizer we keep in the car, then when they got home they washed their hands and faces with soap. Now, having a fear of these things, I'd already done enough previous research to know how they are spread and how long they take to show, so I feared my sisters had already touched their eyes or nose or mouth and were already infected. This lead me to (for the next 48 hours) being a total freak about touching things. I'd turn off lights with my elbows, use kleenex to dry my hands after washing them, and just not touch a single thing I thought they could have possibly touched.
At the time I was like, alright, do this for 48 hours (then I'm in the clear) and I'll stop..and I did stop after 48 hours. But then things continued. I was constantly from then on up until now thrown into situations where I was with someone who had just been sick, I was with someone who suddenly a few days later got sick. I basically walked through this guys cough cloud at the doctors after he said he was sick all that night.
Anyways, I didn't think it was a big deal at first, but I've seen now that it really is. I have become a full fledged germaphobe. If I go out, whenever I come in I instantly put either soap or an anti bacterial cloth over my phone/iPod if I touched it while out. I constantly think about a chain of events which could have lead someone to touch something, then another thing, all leading to whatever I just touched and myself now being infected. I now ALWAYS turn off lights with my elbows, use my shirts to close doors, and if I touch something like a remote or the computer I am currently using to type this, I'll end up washing my hands before touching my phone or anything else again.
This has taken over my life!! I cannot go a second without fearing someone could have touched something who was infected, and passed it onto me. I make these webs in my head of chains leading to it. I'm constantly washing my hands, which doesn't help with my already dry and cut up hands from my eczema, most of all, it is a HUGE weight on my shoulders.
I never imagined it getting to this point, but it is wearing me down. I fear if it continues to worsen I'll never be able to go out, I'll be trapped inside my home because my fear is that strong; or if I do go out, I won't enjoy myself because of the constant over thinking I'll be doing.
Fact is, I really don't know what to do about this either. I feel I've been going no where fast with my therapist. It's basically become a "How are you? tennis good? School good? oh what's that, you're worried you might get sick? Well hopefully you don't" sort of deal. Nothing more than that, basically just a "you aren't suicidal so we don't have much to talk about here" sort of thing.
And I just feel ridiculously trapped inside myself. I've had people say to me "well just face your fear, don't wash your hands, etc" but I can't!! It's really not that easy, at least I don't think it is.
To give you insight into how much I fear these things, let me tell you this - one of the initial questions my therapist had to ask me when we first met was "Do you fear death?". Being a Christian, and a full believer in eternal life, I said no. In fact, I fear these issues more than I fear death. It is crazy, but true. It's gone from a "Well, I'm worried I might get sick" issue to a "Nobody is sick in my house, but I'm gonna do these no matter what issue". I almost feel as if I cannot enjoy anything I do anymore.
I don't believe there are any problems with being cautious, washing your hands, using hand sanitizer sometimes, hey I'm all for it! But when it has gotten to the point of almost ruining everyday for me, as it has, it's gotten out of hand.
So I don't really know what to do about it. Do I see a behavioral therapist? Do I go on meds (which I still don't want to do)? I don't know. If you know anything regarding this though, please help me out! Get @ me on twitter or leave a comment on the post. Share your experiences too! If you deal with OCD or germaphobia, please share! I feel so strongly towards people helping people, using our knowledge acquired from past or current struggles to help others deal with and avoid the same things.
Thanks, and as always,
Peace, and God bless,
Chris.
Saturday, February 4, 2012
Content With The Current
For a long, long time, I wasn't happy with the way my life was going.
I was always frustrated, and always wanted more out of life. I felt I had a lot of holes that needed to be filled, but I couldn't figure out a way to fill them.
Over time though I've found ways to fill those holes, or at least lay down the foundation to be able to fill those holes in the near future.
Soon I will be working towards getting my GED, which is basically a high school diploma. While I'm doing that I'm also continuing to do the tennis training, still keeping my dream of being a pro tennis player alive. I also feel like I have the perfect balance in life when it comes to friends. I have 2 very close friends, outside of twitter. We hangout all the time and talk a lot. Aside from those two, I have a few friends here and there that sort of tag along when we do things. Whether it's hitting the links for some golf, or enjoying a night at a bowling alley surrounded by loud music and drunk people. I've even sort of come to grips with my anxiety. Obviously it still can deeply trouble me when it acts up. Lately though I've been put in some very tough situations where my anxiety was tested, and I almost found myself saying screw it. I'm not gonna worry anymore, because, as my mom has been telling me for months, worrying does nothing.
So I've sort of found that middle ground: Tennis, school, friends. I get to chase my dream while at the same time have a backup to be able to go to college or university, and chase whatever dream comes up next. Whether trying to be a walk on for a university baseball team in America, or just enjoying being a college student, finding a girl, and setting up my life with a solid career.
Anyways, the other night my moms friend was talking to my mom about setting me up with this girl she knows. She's my age, smart, all that stuff. Now maybe a few months ago I would have been like "heck yeah", now? I'm like "heck no". Okay, I didn't actually say no, but I'm really not liking the idea. Before starting all the tennis stuff I was feeling very lonely, I was always out girl hunting. Whenever I'd see a girl I'd be like "maybe her", oh nope.."maybe her", now I couldn't care less.
I think there's two major reasons why I don't want to be set up and have a girlfriend:
1) I am totally invested in the tennis right now. That is where most of my heart is.
2) I don't want to disrupt this balance that I have right now.
I posted a blog about it a few months ago on my old wordpress one, and basically..I fear change! I have finally gotten to the point where I am happy with where my life is at. Obviously I'm striving for more, but I'm happy to do so. I realize that it couldn't hurt. Fact is, I'm not gonna end up dating some maniac like last time, but I have had some bad luck with women too.
I would also first be meeting this girl through facebook, which I'm not fond of either. I love having twitter, and having a group of friends based out of there, some who I have met, but facebook just isn't the place for that. So many times I've had "friendships" with people strictly through facebook because a friend introduced us. I'm cool with having a strictly twitter friendship, and continuing to add more friends to that mix, but not facebook.
Last reason, I want to meet a girl the old fashioned way. This is a tough one. Why? because I need to grow a pair and talk to a girl first. I just feel like, if I talk to some girl I just met and we get to know each other from there, I would feel a much greater sense of accomplishment through that.
Anyways, I don't have much more to say other than that. Moral of the blog is, in order to fill those holes which you feel are in your life, you need to lay down the foundations and building blocks first. I've done that, and though I may not be completed in filling in those holes, a huge weight has been lifted knowing I have started.
Until next time,
Chris
I was always frustrated, and always wanted more out of life. I felt I had a lot of holes that needed to be filled, but I couldn't figure out a way to fill them.
Over time though I've found ways to fill those holes, or at least lay down the foundation to be able to fill those holes in the near future.
Soon I will be working towards getting my GED, which is basically a high school diploma. While I'm doing that I'm also continuing to do the tennis training, still keeping my dream of being a pro tennis player alive. I also feel like I have the perfect balance in life when it comes to friends. I have 2 very close friends, outside of twitter. We hangout all the time and talk a lot. Aside from those two, I have a few friends here and there that sort of tag along when we do things. Whether it's hitting the links for some golf, or enjoying a night at a bowling alley surrounded by loud music and drunk people. I've even sort of come to grips with my anxiety. Obviously it still can deeply trouble me when it acts up. Lately though I've been put in some very tough situations where my anxiety was tested, and I almost found myself saying screw it. I'm not gonna worry anymore, because, as my mom has been telling me for months, worrying does nothing.
So I've sort of found that middle ground: Tennis, school, friends. I get to chase my dream while at the same time have a backup to be able to go to college or university, and chase whatever dream comes up next. Whether trying to be a walk on for a university baseball team in America, or just enjoying being a college student, finding a girl, and setting up my life with a solid career.
Anyways, the other night my moms friend was talking to my mom about setting me up with this girl she knows. She's my age, smart, all that stuff. Now maybe a few months ago I would have been like "heck yeah", now? I'm like "heck no". Okay, I didn't actually say no, but I'm really not liking the idea. Before starting all the tennis stuff I was feeling very lonely, I was always out girl hunting. Whenever I'd see a girl I'd be like "maybe her", oh nope.."maybe her", now I couldn't care less.
I think there's two major reasons why I don't want to be set up and have a girlfriend:
1) I am totally invested in the tennis right now. That is where most of my heart is.
2) I don't want to disrupt this balance that I have right now.
I posted a blog about it a few months ago on my old wordpress one, and basically..I fear change! I have finally gotten to the point where I am happy with where my life is at. Obviously I'm striving for more, but I'm happy to do so. I realize that it couldn't hurt. Fact is, I'm not gonna end up dating some maniac like last time, but I have had some bad luck with women too.
I would also first be meeting this girl through facebook, which I'm not fond of either. I love having twitter, and having a group of friends based out of there, some who I have met, but facebook just isn't the place for that. So many times I've had "friendships" with people strictly through facebook because a friend introduced us. I'm cool with having a strictly twitter friendship, and continuing to add more friends to that mix, but not facebook.
Last reason, I want to meet a girl the old fashioned way. This is a tough one. Why? because I need to grow a pair and talk to a girl first. I just feel like, if I talk to some girl I just met and we get to know each other from there, I would feel a much greater sense of accomplishment through that.
Anyways, I don't have much more to say other than that. Moral of the blog is, in order to fill those holes which you feel are in your life, you need to lay down the foundations and building blocks first. I've done that, and though I may not be completed in filling in those holes, a huge weight has been lifted knowing I have started.
Until next time,
Chris
Thursday, January 19, 2012
The Motive Behind Our Faith
For the first time in about 10 years I was a guest at a funeral. The funeral was for my step dad's father, who had lung cancer. It was a traditional catholic funeral (also my first time at one of it's kind) at the families church.
At many times I had the opportunity to reflect on my own life, and who I'm blessed enough to have in it. I've realized that I haven't really lost anyone in my tight circle to death. I've obviously lost distant relatives to it, but nothing life altering.
One thought that ran through my head today has stuck with me though. While the priest was talking about scripture, and about how we might have a more worldly view of heaven, nobody has really seen it. There's obviously been people who have claimed to have died, seen it and come back, but I'm talking about the other 98% of us.
A part of scripture that he mentioned was how our eyes have never seen, and our ears have never heard (what's in heaven) so we can't really make assumptions. Fact is, it is beyond our wildest imagination, something that is just so beautiful beyond worldly imagination.
Now, many times I have mentioned on twitter about, what exactly is heaven? Is it what we individually consider to be heaven? Will my view have lots of tennis courts and baseball diamonds and things I like..because to me, I'd be in "heaven" if I was surrounded by that. Or is it this one common place that everyone there sees for the same? I'm starting to think so.
Anyways, while the priest was talking about that a question popped into my head. "Do we follow Christ and worship him because we love him just as he loves us, or do we do it selfishly, in wanting to get to heaven?". When you think about it, obviously someone of a certain faith believes in that faith, okay, but there's more to it.
Religion goes further than believing in something or someone. Because in being religious we do something called worship. So, why do we worship? Why don't we just go on living our lives, believing in a higher being, but not doing much besides that?
I think it's safe to say, some of us do. There are people out there who believe in God but do not consider themselves religious, those aren't the people I want to focus on though. I'm talking about those who go to church every Sunday, sing their hearts out, pray, read the Bible, all of that stuff. Why do we do it?
It's mentioned in the Bible God was lonely, that's why he created us, so in that some of us want to give that love back. But behind that, isn't there some selfish motive? Aren't we just sort of doing that in order to get to heaven and have eternal life, and not..you know, go to hell?
So what group are those who do that in? Well personally, I don't think there is a group just for that because we all do. Let's face it, if there wasn't any reward in worshiping God, would half of us do it? Probably not even 95% of Christian's would. They'd say they would, but it's hard to imagine being of a different faith and having a different view from that of which you've grown up in.
So, lets ask ourselves; Why do we worship God? & what can we do as followers of Christ to strengthen our faith beyond those selfish, personal reasons?
At many times I had the opportunity to reflect on my own life, and who I'm blessed enough to have in it. I've realized that I haven't really lost anyone in my tight circle to death. I've obviously lost distant relatives to it, but nothing life altering.
One thought that ran through my head today has stuck with me though. While the priest was talking about scripture, and about how we might have a more worldly view of heaven, nobody has really seen it. There's obviously been people who have claimed to have died, seen it and come back, but I'm talking about the other 98% of us.
A part of scripture that he mentioned was how our eyes have never seen, and our ears have never heard (what's in heaven) so we can't really make assumptions. Fact is, it is beyond our wildest imagination, something that is just so beautiful beyond worldly imagination.
Now, many times I have mentioned on twitter about, what exactly is heaven? Is it what we individually consider to be heaven? Will my view have lots of tennis courts and baseball diamonds and things I like..because to me, I'd be in "heaven" if I was surrounded by that. Or is it this one common place that everyone there sees for the same? I'm starting to think so.
Anyways, while the priest was talking about that a question popped into my head. "Do we follow Christ and worship him because we love him just as he loves us, or do we do it selfishly, in wanting to get to heaven?". When you think about it, obviously someone of a certain faith believes in that faith, okay, but there's more to it.
Religion goes further than believing in something or someone. Because in being religious we do something called worship. So, why do we worship? Why don't we just go on living our lives, believing in a higher being, but not doing much besides that?
I think it's safe to say, some of us do. There are people out there who believe in God but do not consider themselves religious, those aren't the people I want to focus on though. I'm talking about those who go to church every Sunday, sing their hearts out, pray, read the Bible, all of that stuff. Why do we do it?
It's mentioned in the Bible God was lonely, that's why he created us, so in that some of us want to give that love back. But behind that, isn't there some selfish motive? Aren't we just sort of doing that in order to get to heaven and have eternal life, and not..you know, go to hell?
So what group are those who do that in? Well personally, I don't think there is a group just for that because we all do. Let's face it, if there wasn't any reward in worshiping God, would half of us do it? Probably not even 95% of Christian's would. They'd say they would, but it's hard to imagine being of a different faith and having a different view from that of which you've grown up in.
So, lets ask ourselves; Why do we worship God? & what can we do as followers of Christ to strengthen our faith beyond those selfish, personal reasons?
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