As I sit here and type this, I can't help but to be overcome by negative thoughts, I can't help but to view myself in the same way a critic might view a movie that was supposed to be about something, but ultimately failed to get it's point across. I often, mostly at night, sit and think about everything I've been through in the past 24 hours and beyond. I think about the good, but mostly about the bad. I wonder if I could have done something better, or if I shouldn't have done something at all. I think about my interactions, "Was I too mean to this person?", "Maybe I shouldn't have let so & so talk to me like that". I wonder what the point of me writing this is, I ask myself with every period, every new paragraph "Am I doing alright?". I question if I'm any good at blogging at all, I question if Journalism is really right for me....I question everything.
And that's a big part of being human. We all criticize ourselves, and we do it way too often. Everyday we live around people constantly criticizing each other, casting judgement upon one another when we really don't know anything about that person. Then we get home, away from that 3rd person judgement, and that's when we begin to look at ourselves in the mirror.
Self criticism isn't always a bad thing. It's actually an essential part of looking at who you are and coming to terms with the fact that you need to be better in whatever aspect of life it is you're looking at. But, it can also be toxic. It's amazing how we can just sit around for hours, spewing hatred towards ourselves when others have been doing it all day..where do we get off?
It's amazing because nobody knows you, nobody has been around you as long as you have. We are in our minds at all times. We never get a break from them. Even during sleep, we dream. We seem to let ourselves become slaves to our minds, as opposed to being the ones in control of them.
So why do we always go to others when we have problems? Why do we take solace in the views and opinions of others. Why, when we are the ones whom we are stuck with for the rest of our lives, do we always put ourselves last?
We have this crazy idea that we need acceptance from others. We have this blind hatred of ourselves, and that's why we feel the need to dive into social situations, it's why we feel that we have to be around others...because we fear ourselves.
When in reality, we really don't NEED anyone. We don't need the acceptance of others. When something goes wrong we don't need to run to the aid of anyone who has open arms. What we need is to first accept ourselves. We need to trust ourselves, and love ourselves before we can/should ever trust or love others. We don't seem to be comfortable enough in our own skin. It's amazing because we have such great power to do so good for ourselves. We can be our own best friends, yet, we choose to be our own worst enemies.
I'm not saying all of this in some dark "screw everyone else" sort of way, so please don't take it like that. What I'm trying to say is we need to realize that we are who we are. The body and the mind you are in, is the one you will always be in, so come to accept that. You can't truly love others if you hate yourself. That hatred towards yourself will find a way to manifest into all of your other relationships, and in the end you'll have a lot of enemies. We already have enemies, we already have demons, we don't need anyone else, especially ourselves, to be pushing us lower and lower.
As someone who went a long time while I was out of school feeling extremely lonely, I am a big believer in the fact that other people in your life are extremely important. I wouldn't be here if it wasn't for so many people, I wouldn't be the person I am today if it wasn't for so many people. Heck, people MAKE other people (but we're keeping this rated -G). So of course we need others, but we greatly underestimate just how much we need ourselves.
During that time when I felt that extremely loneliness, I would obviously from time to time have social opportunities, I was pretty shy at the time, but it was surely better than being by myself. The problem with that logic though is eventually you will be by yourself, and what happens when that time comes and you can't stand the thought of being in your brain for another minute?
Life is funny though. I've stated this before, but life is extremely complex, yet extremely simple at the same time. Often times it's extremely simple, we just make it hard for ourselves. Life seems to be this raging sea of craziness, and sometimes (like I stated in the opening paragraph), life can feel like a movie which has gone all wrong. You had intentions of doing or being something, but you never ended up succeeding. But that movie which failed to get it's point across, somehow ended up getting some other point across; a point in which actually did more good than the original one would have.
So as crazy and confusing as life can be, there's one thing that I think we all need to understand: We need ourselves. We can't accomplish much in this life if we don't have the faith in ourselves to do so, because there are a lot of people that never will. When you live life based on how other people perceive you, you end up in a lot of trouble. There's just no point in it. You can't make everyone happy, but in the end, you can do your best to make yourself happy, and that will lead you to a lot more good than it will bad.
Thursday, December 20, 2012
Wednesday, December 5, 2012
My Journey Into The World Of Online Dating
It's still looked at with a raised eyebrow. It's still talked about like it's a fantasy world for people who can't talk to the opposite sex in person; it's also one of the fastest growing ways of meeting people.
According to Match.com, 1 in 5 relationships now start online. When you look at that as a percentage, it's not a lot, it's less than 25%, but when you look at the growth of the internet, and how it being used regularly is still fairly young, 20% isn't that small of a number. Remember, online doesn't just mean dating websites, it could also mean Myspace (haha), Facebook, Twitter, or any other social networking/sharing site you can think of.
Anyways, online dating continues to be looked at as this strange thing, yet something that I think subconsciously, many of us have an interest in. That interest + curiosity lea me to create a profile on OKCupid.
At first I thought I'd just set one up just to check the site out. I used a side email I use for things like Twitter and what not, just in case I wanted to use my real one if I ended up liking what I was seeing, and I sort of did.
The first day was more getting to know the site, and sending out mass messages to about 35 females (wheels, right?). I wasn't really sure what to expect in terms of messaging back, but it became quickly apparent very few do, as it said on their profile "Replies selectively". But I weathered the initial storm of frustration and kept going, I tried opening messages like "You should strongly consider introducing me to your cats" or "If you're cool with being my 3rd favorite female behind my Mom and my dog, we should chat". I even did quite a bit of research on things people would say in their opening message. Some were funny, some were plain stupid, and some were just people being themselves. But what I slowly began to figure out was that on a dating site, females must receive multiple messages per day. It's sort of like lining them up, and lining the males up across from them, and letting the males do their research and choose accordingly. This therefore gives the females an interesting sense of entitlement, and puts you in a position where you need to stand out.
So about a day into it I finally started getting somewhere. Being the persistent (annoying) person that I am, if I noticed a female looked at my profile but decided to not respond, I would message them a second time and THAT actually got the ball rolling. The problem is the messaging is very strange, as is the step up of knowing when someone is online. With some, it shows they are always online, leading you to believe they ignored you, when really, they haven't even read your message.
So, what's the best part of the messaging system you say? There is NO pressure and NO emotions. If you lose a messaging buddy, oh well, on to the next one. It's a good way of avoiding emotions getting in the way, and once you feel comfortable enough, you can consider meeting them.
Overall:
Overall I'd have to say I quite like it so far. It provides a means in which you can connect with people and maybe something will develop, but you also have no obligation to use it whatsoever. Simply put - you can't lose. If you don't find someone then you're just in the same position you were before, and if you find someone great! It worked.
Even if you only go on a few dates and nothing comes of it it's still worthwhile. There is never any harm done is getting to meet and chat with new people. Socially, it gets you out and interacting with people, which can end up helping your self esteem and also make you learn things about yourself, through those interactions.
The main reason I'm writing this blog though is to get rid of those beliefs that online dating is scummy and strange. It's 2012, and the internet has become a vital means for keeping up to date with news, sharing and learning, and that will only continue to grow.
Are there some weirdos out there? Sure. Are some people on there only looking for one night stands? Absolutely. But there's a lot more to it than the strangely large number of Bisexual women, and the obese girls that describe themselves as either "Curvy" or "having a little extra".
One thing I do believe though is that for someone of my age, online dating probably isn't going to work out. I think anywhere between 18-23, people aren't necessarily on there looking for lifelong partners, and if they were, they probably wouldn't be so selective with who they respond to, and would actually take the time to get to know someone.
In the end, I think online dating is a viable means of meeting someone. I've heard stories of success, and I've heard stories of failure, both of which happen online and in the outside world. Online dating isn't for everyone, but for the lucky few who have met their lover on there, I'm sure they're glad they signed up.
P.S - I will continue to update this as I go along and things progress. Meeting someone is obviously the biggest part of online dating, and that's when things get interesting.
Chris
Sunday, September 23, 2012
Moving On
"If I had a formula for bypassing trouble, I would not pass it round. Trouble creates a capacity to handle it. I don't embrace trouble; that's as bad as treating it as an enemy. But I do say meet it as a friend, for you'll see a lot of it and had better be on speaking terms with it". ~Oliver Wendell Holmes
They say adversity makes us stronger. Pain and suffering, while at the time can seem unbearable, in the end is supposed to prepare us for the things ahead.
Since my time while being out of school, I've been no stranger to adversity. I've been no stranger to pain, anxiety, and just having no clue where life was taking me. The only thing I was a stranger to, was myself.
Many times during some of my darker periods I had no idea who I even was. This anxiety riddled person just wasn't me, and I was determined that it wouldn't be me. I was determined that some how, some way, I was going to make a big name for myself, and ideally, I thought that was going to be through tennis.
See, as shy as I have been (though I personally feel I've grown out of it, especially recently) I always quietly liked having some sort of attention on me, especially with sports. Whether in gym class just being the best at something, or when the annual speech competition came up at school, I liked doing well, I craved being successful. Hell, we all do, we all want to be good at what we do, but many are satisfied with only having one thing, only having one area of expertise to perfect and define themselves.
One of things that drove me the craziest while out of school was I felt I had none of that. I really felt I had no purpose, which for me was difficult because I'm a purpose driven person. I don't do things to be in the top 10, the 3rd best, 2nd best, anything like that..I do things to be the best, and if I'm not the best, I'm not satisfied.
See I CRAVE competition, psychotically sometimes; and that's where the tennis came in.
I knew before my 1st pro tournament I was a decent player, but I really had no idea the level at which professional tennis is truly played at...that's why I got my ass kicked.
So I went on, I trained during the winter with the goal in mind of playing in all 4 tournaments that come to the GTA in August/September. I worked my butt off and felt I had gotten myself to a new level. I changed racquets, developed a much better forehand which could actually handle heavy baseline rallies, but most importantly I perfected my serve. My serve had always been very hard, but it would go in maybe 20% of the time on my 1st serve at the most, and my 2nd serve had nothing on it. So I completely redefined my serves, and completely redefined myself, by losing over 35lbs.
So the summer roles around again and it's almost time for the first tournament of the 4, but about 2 weeks before it, I get involved in a serious car accident and sustained very bad whiplash, and muscles injuries in my back.
Because of the accident and doing physio + massage 3 times a week to rehab it, I couldn't do the first 2 tournaments. So now the third tournament came, and it was the one at the Tennis Canada grounds, Rexall Centre. I decided that I wouldn't go to work that day (even though I had only worked there for 2 weeks) and I'd do the tournament. I got a BYE the 1st round, and ended up facing a young Canadian like myself, though he had experience playing at the Junior level and had a National ranking. The match finally started and the 1st set, minus solid serving of my part was shaky. The second set I played much better and was in every single game, I just couldn't overcome. Ultimately, he was at a higher level than I was, and that's where the personal battle of what to do next has begun.
See, I had taken my game over the course of a year to a new level, one where I could compete against these guys to a degree, but just not enough to get over the line. So I've constantly be wondering "now what?", do I stick with it and search for someone that can take me to the next level again, and give it a go again next summer? Or should I just face it, and work for a year then go to school for Journalism, which I also have a passion for.
Right now, I've chosen the latter. To work, meet new people, and just go from there. But honestly I don't think there is a right or wrong option. The thing that bugged me the most is that during the whole winter while doing the tennis training people kept telling me "you've got to face reality", but what is reality? Who is to say what reality is for each individual person? One person's reality could be that the world is a dark place without hope; while another person's reality could be that it's a world of opportunity, and that's mine.
I don't want to define myself to one way to go, one path and if that path doesn't work then what? I've done that..I've put all of my eggs in one basket, and what happens when you drop that one basket and they all break? Then you're left with nothing.
I had a good talk with someone one day, and it's funny how they said almost exactly what I was thinking - if you want something in life you need to go out and get it. If you want to be a pro tennis player DO IT. If you want to be fit BE IT. If you're interested in a person go over there and get to know them. If you want something, simply get it, go for what you want despite what others opinions may be.
I've learned there is nothing selfish about doing you. Obviously, you should try and help others, don't live JUST for yourself, but remember yourself from time to time. There are always going to be people who say that you are being selfish by making yourself happy, but really, THEY are the ones being selfish because by you doing things for yourself. It probably means you are no longer doing things for them, which they are too lazy to do for themselves. I didn't go to work, I missed my 2nd shift to play in a tennis tournament, that could have gotten me fired, and I knew that..but I wanted the tennis, it was a once in a lifetime opportunity, and sometimes those are the decisions which you have to make.
So as I work now, working towards my own vehicle and going to school, I realize that as much of a stranger as I became to myself, I believe I might know myself better than ever now. I think sometimes we focus so much on our weakness', that we don't even know our strengths, but I do now. I know what I know, and I know what I don't know. I know the kind of people I want in my life, and the kinds I don't. I know what I want to take away with me from my journey. When I'm older, I want to tell grand kids stories about things I did, and chances I took. I don't want to be another face in the crowd, working 8 hours a day doing something I hate.
Most importantly, I've learned that I can still be someone, without being a professional tennis player. There is much more to life than that. As good as hitting an ace or a forehand winner feels, having someone tell you what you write is beautiful, or feeling a connection with another person, can feel so much better.
Here's a line from a blog I read recently which I will leave you with, I find it incredibly true.
"Athlete success and failure is a perfect model for life. Rarely, if ever, will you reach the top. And once you get there, the peak is small and short lived. Failure is far more common, but we should still embrace challenge. Ironically, the beauty of life is enhanced through struggle, and the peace found after failure."
Thanks for reading,
-Chris
Sunday, August 12, 2012
Rebuilding
In life, it's essential that we re-evaluate ourselves sometimes. Our goals, our current path in life, our relationships, etc. Sometimes we need to just sit down and ask ourselves "Is this good for me?", "Are things going as planned?", "Where do I see my current decisions taking me?".
One of those things, as mentioned, is our relationships with people.
Over time, we naturally grow, not just physically, but mentally and emotionally as well. Our maturity changes, some for the better, some for the worst. This means that people we maybe started off as having a lot of things in common with, we no longer do. Maybe people we once didn't see eye-to-eye with, we now understand.
And that change that we do isn't always for the better. We see this in others, we see them becoming completely different people than we originally new them to be. No longer do they just have different opinions, but they become strangers to us.
Sometimes, we hang around in those relationships. I know, myself personally, I have a tendency to hang around in relationships too long. When I get to know someone I end up completely investing myself into them emotionally, and when things go astray, I try and ride them out, ride the tide and fix things.
Eventually you learn though, some people you just can't change back to the old them. Some people you're just meant to let go of. As hard as it is, it's something that, if you don't do it, you can end up hurting yourself more than leaving that relationship.
See, if you stick around in what I call a "poisonous relationship", you end up hurting yourself more and more over time. You pick up that persons bad habits, you despise the things they do, which you yourself end up doing. Their bad habits basically rub off on you. I'll give you an example: Back in grade 4, going into it I was this super innocent, never swear sort of kid. In that school though, there was lots of it, there was lots of anger and that eventually came off onto me, without even realizing it. I remember one time I was having an argument with a kid, and out of no where I dropped a F-bomb. I totally surprised myself, but as much as I hated it, it continued and continued.
There's the saying "The apple doesn't fall far from the tree". Typically referring to one's home environment, meaning that, what your parents do and say, eventually translates into you (the apple). But instead of just defining that tree as your parents, I think we can broaden that spectrum, to say, everyone you spend your time with. Your inner-circle of friends have such a huge impact on you, and you don't even realize it. They're the tree, and with time, if you spend your time with people who really, just aren't good for you, you'll become one of them. With that though, we should also keep in mind for many others, we are also a tree. And the beauty of it all is, we can let that apple fall close to us, but we can do good things with it. That apple doesn't always need to be a bad apple, but I think we underestimate ourselves, and our power that we have over other people's lives; just how greatly we can shape someone, especially those younger than ourselves, those who look up to us.
But now, I always wonder, and I continue to, "Why do we stick around those who we know are bad for us?", "We don't we get ourselves out of negative situations?". Well, here's my opinion why:
In today's society, drama is glamorized, pain and suffering is heroic, we don't even want to be happy, because being happy is boring.
The bad things in our lives are what keep us going. Much like the saying "Without evil, there is no good", without bad, without pain, there is no joy. It's the pain and the fear that make us want the next day; the next issue to come. It keeps us intrigued. Much like with being an athlete, if you don't fear failure, you can't have that passion to push yourself further and further.
Unfortunately, like at times when war was concerned romantic, we're addicted to stories of overcoming, and pushing past things that held us back.
Personally, I'm a huge fan of sports autiobiographies. I've read many like Josh Hamilton's - Beyond Belief, or Theo Fleury's - Playing With Fire". Both are stories of overcoming extremely difficult ordeals in life, such as sexual abuse, and drug abuse. Now, don't get me wrong, both are FANTASTIC books, they were amazing reads and their stories are incredible, and I applaud them and have a tremendous amount of respect for them. But think about it, how much more intrigued are we when someone comes along and has success, after opening up about being through things like that. Even more so, when someone has a relapse.
Think about celebrities for a minute, think about the magazine titles you see on stands when in stores. How many of the pieces in them are actually POSITIVE? Next to none, why? Because nobody cares when good things happen to others. It's a sad but true reality. Nobody cares if someone had a great day, got a job they were looking for, etc. But someone totaled their car? Someone broke up with someone else? That's all interesting. Why do you think when people ask how things are going, and you respond with "Good", they never ask why, yet, when you respond saying "Well, they could be better", suddenly people are interested.
Lets face it, we are a drama, pain & suffering crazed society!!
You know, I think staying in bad relationships also says a lot about how people feel about themselves. Do they respect themselves? Do they feel they deserve better? And what about when you finally do get out of a bad relationship, what about when others around that relationship side with the other person?
I've learned to just let them. I put so much effort into my relationships, people should quickly figure out, I'm always there for them. I'm a good dude, and if I do wrong, I usually don't mean to do it, and if I do, I correct myself. So I tell myself, you know what, let people walk away from you. If people are stupid enough to go against your word, to believe the lies and manipulation someone may throw around about you, then those aren't the kind of people you want to have around in your life anyways.
So, in order to avoid these "poisonous relationships", we really do need to evaluate ourselves from time to time and ask if what we have going is a good thing. As the saying goes "When the grass is cut, the snakes will show". Sometimes, we need to cut that grass, we need to tear down the walls that we have built up. Sometimes, those walls just need to be re-done. Go over them, fix them up a bit, and hey, good as new. But sometimes those walls needs to come down. And those walls will come down in order to make room for new ones to go up.
See, when you leave that grass to just grow...more and more snakes will comes, and when you eventually get around to cutting it, you've left yourself with quite a big mess to clean up. But when you keep it short, you can easily spot those snakes, and remove them without much hassle.
Anyways, I'll end on this: Because of what I went through leaving school early, and the rumours being tossed around me then, I learned quickly how to deal with stuff maturely and properly. When you do that, not only do you make yourself feel better about how you handle the situation, you look better; and those tossing crap around about you, they just end up looking like fools.
Sometimes you need to burn bridges, in order to build new ones.
Thanks for reading,
Chris
Saturday, August 4, 2012
A Couple Stray Thoughts
Typically, I like to have a main purpose, a main topic behind my blog. That won't be the case this time.
This blog, is basically just about what is on my mind. I've had a lot on it lately, with relationships, athletics, and many other things, and tonight I decided to finally unload and share them on twitter.
Anyways, I feel like I've been in a real rut lately. Every day just seems to be the same thing. I sit and do nothing, waiting on maybe 1 or 2 hours of something a couple nights a week. I don't feel meaningful, and ultimately, I only do when I'm playing sports.
See, since leaving school, I guess it's safe to say I haven't felt "normal". Normal, being a term used very loosely, can have different meanings, but I guess what I mean to say is I haven't had a steady diet of consistency. At least not the type of consistency I would like.
You see, I have a great group of close friends, and they're amazing, but I don't have much outside of that. I don't have friends who I can just call up "Hey, wanna meet for lunch and just talk?" "Sure!". There's nothing like that, and I crave that. I just find myself so damn lonely.
All of this leads me to feel like I have a lack of meaning to my days, and everything I do. Like tonight, I hang onto 2 hours during the day, where I step on white painted lines, holding a piece of metal with strings attached, hitting a fluffy green ball. I wait all day for that moment, to step on the court and finally feel like I'm being someone. What happens though when I step off? I go back to feeling like nothing.
I see people around me, working jobs, having lives, doing things. Their days are consumed with being busy, interacting with others, etc. I don't have that unless I'm doing sports, but I've learned a very hard lesson, which I've tried to avoid.
I've learned that anxiety doesn't care how hard you serve a ball, loneliness doesn't care how dirty your circle change is, or how many regional bowling tournaments you do per year. I don't even take pride in my athletic accomplishments anymore, because I just feel like outside of the courts, the diamond, the alley, the course, it means nothing.
Then I begin to question, am I doing tennis because I love it? Do I want to be a pro because I adore the sport? Or because I fear not being somebody. And it's not even like wanting to be famous, no, I just want to feel like I'm doing something with my day. There are 24 hours in a day, I spend 22 of them hanging onto something that unless I'm doing it, means nothing to me.
I don't know how to end this, I don't know what to say. I just know how I feel. Maybe that's just tonight, maybe once things go my way and my schedule gets busy things will change, I don't know. I can't predict the future, all I can do is share my feelings with others, and what I learn from them. Maybe some of you have felt this, whatever it is, because I honestly can't even describe it in one word. I feel how I feel.
Anyways, hope everyone is doing good, and hopefully my next blog will be happier, lol.
My 1st tournament beings August 13th and it looks like I should get into it, so I'll be sure to blog around then and update everyone on my journey. I've worked my ass off all winter and up until now. I'm gonna continue to work my ass off, and hopefully it all pays off.
Thanks for reading,
Chris.
Friday, July 6, 2012
A Letter To My 5-Year-Ago self
Hey Chris,
I know some of the stuff I'm gonna say will sound crazy, and hell, it is crazy, but you're about to live it.
You're about to be heading into grade 8, a year where you're supposed to run the school, but things won't go as planned. Someone will become very sick, and you'll be away from school for months at a time, while doctors try to figure out what's wrong. It will be a very stressful time in your life. People at school will make vicious rumours about you, and the bullying will ultimately get physical. You're gonna deal with some things nobody should have to, but in the end it will make you stronger. You'll appreciate the people in your life a lot more. You feel blessed to see them walking around and basically, just being normal; something you didn't really expect would happen.
Because of all the troubles at school, you're gonna go to a new school for a fresh start. Things will seem really great. You're still shy, but you make some good friends, and you even meet a girl. I won't go into much detail about her roll in your life, but she'll play a big one all the way through your high school life, which will eventually be cut short, but we'll get to that in a second.
Grade 9 will go good for you, some bumps in the road, but ultimately you feel you have good friendships, but the problem is you aren't being yourself, mostly because you don't accept yourself for who you are. You try to conform to what you believe others want you to be, which in the end will end up hurting you even more. In grade 10 people are going to distance themselves from you, and those who you thought were close you'll just come to realize maybe weren't so close after all.
Through the summer leading up to Grade 11 you contemplate leaving for another school, but ultimately stick to the one you're at, and stick with the "friends" you have. And that's the thing right there, Chris. Instead of just accepting people for who they are, and having nothing to do with them, you stay involved anyways, which you will soon find out back fires.
After a couple weeks of Grade 11, your life will drastically change. One Monday morning at around 1am you'll be woken up by a knocking on your front door, it's the police. That girl that you met, that you knew was trouble but decided to continue associating yourself with anyways? Well, she told the cops you had been harassing her apparently, and that you were apparently suicidal based on songs you had written, that you sent her from months ago. The song writing will start in Grade 8 and carry all the way up to there.
From there, you'll end up leaving the school. Rumours will swirl that you apparently got expelled, or that there was a restraining order, but that will be the least of your problems.
You'll begin online high school, and you'll feel happy and confident about it for a few days after starting it. Then one day you'll tell yourself you need to take a day off. That day off turns into 2 days off, then 3, then 4, then a week, month, year, and so on.
See Chris, the problem is man, you rushed into the online school. Your life just took a drastic turn, it changed in such a way nobody could ever see coming, and you quickly jumped into a whole new lifestyle. Take it from me, you need to take time to think, and learn and grow before getting on with life. Mourn, and then move on.
Now things start taking a turn from the worst in that Spring. You begin to get extreme anxiety. Part of it can be related to having no idea where your life is going, feeling as if you will never finish high school. This anxiety is going to riddle you. I don't want to scare you too much, but you need to be prepared, as it is probably the toughest thing you'll go through. You'll go to bed at 9, the same time as your mom, just to have her talk to you, and keep you calm as you have panic attacks on a nightly basis. You'll have to work hard just to fall asleep and keep yourself calm. You feel as if you can't go anywhere or do anything, because of this anxiety.
But time will keep moving forward. You'll play baseball again, and have your best offensive season ever, but fall short of winning the championship. You'll learn about ITF Futures tennis tournaments, and suddenly that becomes your big break. You focus everything on those, believing that you can put the no high school behind you by simply not needing it. You win, you get $15'000 and become a pro tennis player. You lose? And well..you won't even let that thought cross your mind.
The minute you step on the court for that tournament, you realize you're screwed. You're facing a 25 year old who had played in Challengers before and was a 7 year pro. You get absolutely destroyed and quickly have to face the reality that your master plan of avoiding high school wasn't going to happen.
You move on, you finally find a therapist, and you start spending half the week of that coming winter with your Grandparents, training for tennis. You improve, slowly but surely, and for once you feel like life isn't so bad, but yet, you still have that hole without high school.
Then all of a sudden you find out about getting your GED. If you get it, you've completed high school and can go to College. You take the test, feeling as if you aced it, and come back to finding out you failed the math portion by 1. You'll feel heart broken, and in so much shock. But it's gonna help you, because in the long run, when you take and pass your second chance on the math, suddenly everything is going to come together.
You will see your graduating certificate, and you'll feel these overwhelming emotions. Those last 16 months, finally, have come to a close. Your life is caught up, and in those 60 seconds after seeing you graduated, you'll feel every emotion that you have ever felt come rushing over you, with uncontrollable tears as you call your grand parents to say you passed.
Then here you are now. You've become quite a good tennis player, and the only worry on your mind is finding a job, and when the next time you'll be hanging with your friends. You have your whole life ahead of you, and these 5 years that separate us, Chris, they're going to make you into the man you are today.
See Chris, life isn't about what you know, it's about what you learn. It's about surrounding yourself with good people. It's about going through the lows just so you can appreciate the highs.
In these next 5 years, you're gonna learn a lot of things. You're gonna break down a lot, but you have so many people behind you that care about you and support you.
Try and take something away from every friendship, every conversation you have with someone. Everyone has a story, try and listen to theirs.
Cherish every conversation, and every relationship. Those adults telling you about what they dealt with when they were your age? Listen. Got a question on your mind about how to deal with something? Ask.
Remember kid, things are gonna get rough. But look at where you are now, 5 years later, and get excited about where I'll be 5 years from now.
There will be more tough times ahead, but you can either let things make you bitter or better.
Learn from negatives, improve off positives, and most importantly..JUST LIVE LIFE.
- Chris
I know some of the stuff I'm gonna say will sound crazy, and hell, it is crazy, but you're about to live it.
You're about to be heading into grade 8, a year where you're supposed to run the school, but things won't go as planned. Someone will become very sick, and you'll be away from school for months at a time, while doctors try to figure out what's wrong. It will be a very stressful time in your life. People at school will make vicious rumours about you, and the bullying will ultimately get physical. You're gonna deal with some things nobody should have to, but in the end it will make you stronger. You'll appreciate the people in your life a lot more. You feel blessed to see them walking around and basically, just being normal; something you didn't really expect would happen.
Because of all the troubles at school, you're gonna go to a new school for a fresh start. Things will seem really great. You're still shy, but you make some good friends, and you even meet a girl. I won't go into much detail about her roll in your life, but she'll play a big one all the way through your high school life, which will eventually be cut short, but we'll get to that in a second.
Grade 9 will go good for you, some bumps in the road, but ultimately you feel you have good friendships, but the problem is you aren't being yourself, mostly because you don't accept yourself for who you are. You try to conform to what you believe others want you to be, which in the end will end up hurting you even more. In grade 10 people are going to distance themselves from you, and those who you thought were close you'll just come to realize maybe weren't so close after all.
Through the summer leading up to Grade 11 you contemplate leaving for another school, but ultimately stick to the one you're at, and stick with the "friends" you have. And that's the thing right there, Chris. Instead of just accepting people for who they are, and having nothing to do with them, you stay involved anyways, which you will soon find out back fires.
After a couple weeks of Grade 11, your life will drastically change. One Monday morning at around 1am you'll be woken up by a knocking on your front door, it's the police. That girl that you met, that you knew was trouble but decided to continue associating yourself with anyways? Well, she told the cops you had been harassing her apparently, and that you were apparently suicidal based on songs you had written, that you sent her from months ago. The song writing will start in Grade 8 and carry all the way up to there.
From there, you'll end up leaving the school. Rumours will swirl that you apparently got expelled, or that there was a restraining order, but that will be the least of your problems.
You'll begin online high school, and you'll feel happy and confident about it for a few days after starting it. Then one day you'll tell yourself you need to take a day off. That day off turns into 2 days off, then 3, then 4, then a week, month, year, and so on.
See Chris, the problem is man, you rushed into the online school. Your life just took a drastic turn, it changed in such a way nobody could ever see coming, and you quickly jumped into a whole new lifestyle. Take it from me, you need to take time to think, and learn and grow before getting on with life. Mourn, and then move on.
Now things start taking a turn from the worst in that Spring. You begin to get extreme anxiety. Part of it can be related to having no idea where your life is going, feeling as if you will never finish high school. This anxiety is going to riddle you. I don't want to scare you too much, but you need to be prepared, as it is probably the toughest thing you'll go through. You'll go to bed at 9, the same time as your mom, just to have her talk to you, and keep you calm as you have panic attacks on a nightly basis. You'll have to work hard just to fall asleep and keep yourself calm. You feel as if you can't go anywhere or do anything, because of this anxiety.
But time will keep moving forward. You'll play baseball again, and have your best offensive season ever, but fall short of winning the championship. You'll learn about ITF Futures tennis tournaments, and suddenly that becomes your big break. You focus everything on those, believing that you can put the no high school behind you by simply not needing it. You win, you get $15'000 and become a pro tennis player. You lose? And well..you won't even let that thought cross your mind.
The minute you step on the court for that tournament, you realize you're screwed. You're facing a 25 year old who had played in Challengers before and was a 7 year pro. You get absolutely destroyed and quickly have to face the reality that your master plan of avoiding high school wasn't going to happen.
You move on, you finally find a therapist, and you start spending half the week of that coming winter with your Grandparents, training for tennis. You improve, slowly but surely, and for once you feel like life isn't so bad, but yet, you still have that hole without high school.
Then all of a sudden you find out about getting your GED. If you get it, you've completed high school and can go to College. You take the test, feeling as if you aced it, and come back to finding out you failed the math portion by 1. You'll feel heart broken, and in so much shock. But it's gonna help you, because in the long run, when you take and pass your second chance on the math, suddenly everything is going to come together.
You will see your graduating certificate, and you'll feel these overwhelming emotions. Those last 16 months, finally, have come to a close. Your life is caught up, and in those 60 seconds after seeing you graduated, you'll feel every emotion that you have ever felt come rushing over you, with uncontrollable tears as you call your grand parents to say you passed.
Then here you are now. You've become quite a good tennis player, and the only worry on your mind is finding a job, and when the next time you'll be hanging with your friends. You have your whole life ahead of you, and these 5 years that separate us, Chris, they're going to make you into the man you are today.
See Chris, life isn't about what you know, it's about what you learn. It's about surrounding yourself with good people. It's about going through the lows just so you can appreciate the highs.
In these next 5 years, you're gonna learn a lot of things. You're gonna break down a lot, but you have so many people behind you that care about you and support you.
Try and take something away from every friendship, every conversation you have with someone. Everyone has a story, try and listen to theirs.
Cherish every conversation, and every relationship. Those adults telling you about what they dealt with when they were your age? Listen. Got a question on your mind about how to deal with something? Ask.
Remember kid, things are gonna get rough. But look at where you are now, 5 years later, and get excited about where I'll be 5 years from now.
There will be more tough times ahead, but you can either let things make you bitter or better.
Learn from negatives, improve off positives, and most importantly..JUST LIVE LIFE.
- Chris
Wednesday, April 18, 2012
Driven By Fear
When it comes to thinking about life and having these big self discoveries, they tend to come at the weirdest times, just like this one. This one came while I was in the shower. Have you ever seen the picture where it depicts a guy standing in a shower for like 30 minutes, contemplating the origin of the universe, then the other 5 minutes are spent shampooing + soaping? That was basically it.
Anyways, I've known for a long time that I am a guy who fears things. I worry a lot, I am an obsessive person, that's just the way I am. Slowly that has grown over time, I've known that for a while. But what I didn't realize until recently was that my whole life has sort of been, as the title says - Driven By Fear.
Let's start off from a young age and work our way up until now.
When I was young, around 5 or 6 I began to get close to my dad. Even after he left my mom, he was starting to really put things together, but then he would leave just as we got close. This was a trend that has happened all throughout my life. This lead to me fearing getting to close to someone, I fear betrayal. This leads me to get very obsessive when people don't respond to texts, or seem to sort of walk out of my life, slowly but surely. You see, I have no problem erasing people from my life, and I have no problem letting them walk away. But if someone is walking away and I have no clue why they are doing so, I NEED answers. It drives me crazy. This leads to me over-thinking peoples actions.
Focusing on my school life now - Through out every grade, I sort of had a different persona. This is because I fear not being accepted. It's not so bad now, because I am now more comfortable with who I am, but lets be honest, don't we all sort of fear it at times? We want to be accepted by our peers! Whether it is at work, school, a club you are in, a sports team you are one, we want to be accepted! But the problem is that lead me to changing who I was constantly. I wasn't happy enough with who I was, that I needed to become who others wanted me to be. That affected me greatly through school. At some schools (I did a lot of switching) I was very popular; at some schools I dealt with very harsh bullying, and at some schools I was just sort of the guy standing to the side. I wasn't popular, I wasn't not popular. Sometimes I would have lots of fun, sometimes I would be very lonely, it just depended on the day.
This next one is a lot more generalized, but I fear failure. I always have, and that's not saying I fear losing, trust me there is a difference. In life you are going to lose, you are especially going to lose before you win. But losing doesn't exactly mean you failed, it can simply just mean you got out played by the opponent, I can take this better than I can failing. In baseball, when I used to step up to bat, I feared striking out. Before throwing a pitch, I feared making a bad one, or hitting the batter. Before catching a ball from the pitcher, I feared dropping it. I don't fear those AS much anymore, but it plays into your mind.
In school, I feared failure in terms of getting the answer wrong, that's why I never put up my hand. I feared others knowing that I wasn't capable of something, or I didn't know something. I felt I had to be perfect, and that's caused a lot by, again, insecurity in myself.
Now, I almost feel like I fear everything. I feel like every move I make, I'm worried about doing it wrong. I play out the worst possible scenarios in my head. Am I going to get sick? Am I going to get hurt? What if -this, what if -that. I sort of fear like I am in this jail inside my head sometimes, mainly relating to the fear of being ill.
Being driven by fear is not the only thing I discovered through, I discovered that through that, it shows I am not at the point in my relationship with God that I would like to be. I realize that, what I have is sort of this human -to- divine being relationship. I am here, on earth, and he is up there, that's about it. But that's not what I want to have!
I want to really have a deep connection with God. I want something deeper than flesh and bone - I want a spiritual relationship with him. If I have that, I will have faith in him, because right now I just feel that I do not have enough. This is a major difference between Religion & Faith, right now I am stuck on the religion side. I believe in him, but I almost don't have faith in him.
I've talked before about having these holes in my life which need to be filled. I have now taken my GED, that is a hole that is filled. Soon I will be playing baseball again, that is another hole filled. But no matter how much I do, I will never feel complete until I get to that point in my faith with God.
John 4:14 - "but whoever drinks the water I give him will never thirst. Indeed, the water I give him will become in him a spring of water welling up to eternal life."
Right now, what I am drinking is not filling me, and I continue to feel hollow.
At this moment, I am a Worrier; with him, I can be a Warrior.
Peace and God Bless,
Chris
Anyways, I've known for a long time that I am a guy who fears things. I worry a lot, I am an obsessive person, that's just the way I am. Slowly that has grown over time, I've known that for a while. But what I didn't realize until recently was that my whole life has sort of been, as the title says - Driven By Fear.
Let's start off from a young age and work our way up until now.
When I was young, around 5 or 6 I began to get close to my dad. Even after he left my mom, he was starting to really put things together, but then he would leave just as we got close. This was a trend that has happened all throughout my life. This lead to me fearing getting to close to someone, I fear betrayal. This leads me to get very obsessive when people don't respond to texts, or seem to sort of walk out of my life, slowly but surely. You see, I have no problem erasing people from my life, and I have no problem letting them walk away. But if someone is walking away and I have no clue why they are doing so, I NEED answers. It drives me crazy. This leads to me over-thinking peoples actions.
Focusing on my school life now - Through out every grade, I sort of had a different persona. This is because I fear not being accepted. It's not so bad now, because I am now more comfortable with who I am, but lets be honest, don't we all sort of fear it at times? We want to be accepted by our peers! Whether it is at work, school, a club you are in, a sports team you are one, we want to be accepted! But the problem is that lead me to changing who I was constantly. I wasn't happy enough with who I was, that I needed to become who others wanted me to be. That affected me greatly through school. At some schools (I did a lot of switching) I was very popular; at some schools I dealt with very harsh bullying, and at some schools I was just sort of the guy standing to the side. I wasn't popular, I wasn't not popular. Sometimes I would have lots of fun, sometimes I would be very lonely, it just depended on the day.
This next one is a lot more generalized, but I fear failure. I always have, and that's not saying I fear losing, trust me there is a difference. In life you are going to lose, you are especially going to lose before you win. But losing doesn't exactly mean you failed, it can simply just mean you got out played by the opponent, I can take this better than I can failing. In baseball, when I used to step up to bat, I feared striking out. Before throwing a pitch, I feared making a bad one, or hitting the batter. Before catching a ball from the pitcher, I feared dropping it. I don't fear those AS much anymore, but it plays into your mind.
In school, I feared failure in terms of getting the answer wrong, that's why I never put up my hand. I feared others knowing that I wasn't capable of something, or I didn't know something. I felt I had to be perfect, and that's caused a lot by, again, insecurity in myself.
Now, I almost feel like I fear everything. I feel like every move I make, I'm worried about doing it wrong. I play out the worst possible scenarios in my head. Am I going to get sick? Am I going to get hurt? What if -this, what if -that. I sort of fear like I am in this jail inside my head sometimes, mainly relating to the fear of being ill.
Being driven by fear is not the only thing I discovered through, I discovered that through that, it shows I am not at the point in my relationship with God that I would like to be. I realize that, what I have is sort of this human -to- divine being relationship. I am here, on earth, and he is up there, that's about it. But that's not what I want to have!
I want to really have a deep connection with God. I want something deeper than flesh and bone - I want a spiritual relationship with him. If I have that, I will have faith in him, because right now I just feel that I do not have enough. This is a major difference between Religion & Faith, right now I am stuck on the religion side. I believe in him, but I almost don't have faith in him.
I've talked before about having these holes in my life which need to be filled. I have now taken my GED, that is a hole that is filled. Soon I will be playing baseball again, that is another hole filled. But no matter how much I do, I will never feel complete until I get to that point in my faith with God.
John 4:14 - "but whoever drinks the water I give him will never thirst. Indeed, the water I give him will become in him a spring of water welling up to eternal life."
Right now, what I am drinking is not filling me, and I continue to feel hollow.
At this moment, I am a Worrier; with him, I can be a Warrior.
Peace and God Bless,
Chris
Friday, April 6, 2012
The End Of A Chapter
A couple of months ago, I blogged about entering a new stage in life (which you can read here) Now, I'm at the end of that, and I feel I'm entering a new chapter, one which as excited as I am about continuing my journey, I am also somewhat dreading it.
Back in December when we decided I would be living part time with my grandparents and part time at home, I thought it was gonna be a bit of a grind for those 3 and a half months. I was really looking forward to spending the time with my grandparents, and getting to play tennis, but I thought all the back and forth would be hard. That I would sort of be living out of a suitcase (or a big black bag with a broken zipper, in this case) for the time being. I would always tell people "Yeah, I'm looking forward to it, but it's gonna be tough". Well, as it turns out, I couldn't be more wrong.
There are a couple of things I've really grown to learn over the last three months, some of which scare me. There's one thing I've learned in particular, it's that there are some people that I just don't need. Now, when I say I don't need them, I mean I don't need to lean on them, I'm not going crazy without them. That honestly scares me - for 2 reasons.
1) It's sort of a sign of growing up. Which doesn't sound all that bad, but it makes you realize that you are in fact becoming an adult.
2) We (or at least I) trick myself into believing that not NEEDING something or someone means that maybe we aren't as attached as we once though. I don't think it's completely true, but it does mean we can go without them at least for some time.
See, I honestly believe that we want to need people/things. It gives us sort of a sense of comfort in knowing there are people above us, that we need to hang on to. I think that's a big reason behind a lot of relationships (in this case bad ones) continuing on. The two people want to feel like they need someone. If not, you sort of feel alone.
And that's what scares me. I have seen I can go without my sisters, I can go without my mom and even my dog who is like my baby! Do I want to see them? of course! But do I need to see them everyday to feel like all is right? No, and I never really knew that before.
In fact, I'm a little worried about what the last 3 and a half months has done to me. I really don't want to leave my grandparents place. I miss my dog like crazy sometimes, and I miss hanging out with my mom too, but there's almost a feeling of dread coming over me. Today is my last day doing this. I have a tennis match tonight, then I am back home tomorrow for good. Now, luckily it is summer and I will be out doing tennis/golf and baseball most (if not every) day, so it won't be so bad. But I almost have that depressed "2 weeks left of August before I go back to school" feeling. I'm sure you all remember how that feels.
I also realized something literally as I was writing this. When I left school, my first 16 months out of it were probably the worst of my life, I felt like I was in jail in myself. But I've realized that those rough times were sort of like building a new structure. During those 16 months I had to demolish the old structure, my old way of life. Now I am starting to build up my new life, this adult life. I think we probably all go through that phase in life, but because I left high school 2 years earlier than most, it was sort of more dramatic for me. There was really no warning of deconstruction, it actually began without my consent. But now as I am past that, and more in the building phase, I've accepted it. I will undoubtedly go through more rough times, especially since the construction is going on for my new life. Even after it's done, there will be rough times; maintenance.
Anyways, I am excited about starting another chapter. I've vastly improved with the tennis, and now I get to train in more of a setting that will benefit me. I have golf, I have baseball, and I'll be taking my GED at the end of the week. I get to chase my dream still, but also have the comfort of knowing if things don't work out I can go to College, which means so much to me.
Happy Easter, and God Bless.
Chris
Back in December when we decided I would be living part time with my grandparents and part time at home, I thought it was gonna be a bit of a grind for those 3 and a half months. I was really looking forward to spending the time with my grandparents, and getting to play tennis, but I thought all the back and forth would be hard. That I would sort of be living out of a suitcase (or a big black bag with a broken zipper, in this case) for the time being. I would always tell people "Yeah, I'm looking forward to it, but it's gonna be tough". Well, as it turns out, I couldn't be more wrong.
There are a couple of things I've really grown to learn over the last three months, some of which scare me. There's one thing I've learned in particular, it's that there are some people that I just don't need. Now, when I say I don't need them, I mean I don't need to lean on them, I'm not going crazy without them. That honestly scares me - for 2 reasons.
1) It's sort of a sign of growing up. Which doesn't sound all that bad, but it makes you realize that you are in fact becoming an adult.
2) We (or at least I) trick myself into believing that not NEEDING something or someone means that maybe we aren't as attached as we once though. I don't think it's completely true, but it does mean we can go without them at least for some time.
See, I honestly believe that we want to need people/things. It gives us sort of a sense of comfort in knowing there are people above us, that we need to hang on to. I think that's a big reason behind a lot of relationships (in this case bad ones) continuing on. The two people want to feel like they need someone. If not, you sort of feel alone.
And that's what scares me. I have seen I can go without my sisters, I can go without my mom and even my dog who is like my baby! Do I want to see them? of course! But do I need to see them everyday to feel like all is right? No, and I never really knew that before.
In fact, I'm a little worried about what the last 3 and a half months has done to me. I really don't want to leave my grandparents place. I miss my dog like crazy sometimes, and I miss hanging out with my mom too, but there's almost a feeling of dread coming over me. Today is my last day doing this. I have a tennis match tonight, then I am back home tomorrow for good. Now, luckily it is summer and I will be out doing tennis/golf and baseball most (if not every) day, so it won't be so bad. But I almost have that depressed "2 weeks left of August before I go back to school" feeling. I'm sure you all remember how that feels.
I also realized something literally as I was writing this. When I left school, my first 16 months out of it were probably the worst of my life, I felt like I was in jail in myself. But I've realized that those rough times were sort of like building a new structure. During those 16 months I had to demolish the old structure, my old way of life. Now I am starting to build up my new life, this adult life. I think we probably all go through that phase in life, but because I left high school 2 years earlier than most, it was sort of more dramatic for me. There was really no warning of deconstruction, it actually began without my consent. But now as I am past that, and more in the building phase, I've accepted it. I will undoubtedly go through more rough times, especially since the construction is going on for my new life. Even after it's done, there will be rough times; maintenance.
Anyways, I am excited about starting another chapter. I've vastly improved with the tennis, and now I get to train in more of a setting that will benefit me. I have golf, I have baseball, and I'll be taking my GED at the end of the week. I get to chase my dream still, but also have the comfort of knowing if things don't work out I can go to College, which means so much to me.
Happy Easter, and God Bless.
Chris
Friday, March 23, 2012
Meaning What We Say
Without getting into great detail, I just want to share something that I've learned over the past two weeks.
A couple of days ago there was a death in my grandparents church. This woman was extremely respected among the members, and truly was a woman of God. She had changed many lives for the better, through the church and through missionary work.
Anyways, she suffered a stroke, and about a week and a half later, she passed away. It really struck a chord with me, not only because I had known her my whole life, and many people I knew were very close to her, but because I had just shaken her hand and exchanged "Nice to see you's" with her about 2 week prior.
It just got me thinking about how we don't necessarily think to much into what we say, when we say it. When we say "Oh it's good to see you, glad you are doing well" we most definitely mean it, but we don't really MEAN it mean it. What I'm trying to say is, we don't really consider the possibility of them not being well, of us not seeing them. It is good to see them, but on a week-week basis, it becomes a given, sort of like a right, not a privilege.
From this I've learned that maybe we really do need to consider how blessed we are to see and talk to those we love when we wake up, or at some point. You can be extremely healthy, and your next breath still isn't a given.
Personally, I'm not afraid of death. I do not fear death as much as I fear it coming to those I love and care for. With that, I'll be trying my best from now on not to take the small things for granted.
I'm not saying I did before, and I'm not saying I won't ever again, but I think we need to try our best to seize every second of every day, because any second could be our last.
Peace & God Bless,
Chris.
A couple of days ago there was a death in my grandparents church. This woman was extremely respected among the members, and truly was a woman of God. She had changed many lives for the better, through the church and through missionary work.
Anyways, she suffered a stroke, and about a week and a half later, she passed away. It really struck a chord with me, not only because I had known her my whole life, and many people I knew were very close to her, but because I had just shaken her hand and exchanged "Nice to see you's" with her about 2 week prior.
It just got me thinking about how we don't necessarily think to much into what we say, when we say it. When we say "Oh it's good to see you, glad you are doing well" we most definitely mean it, but we don't really MEAN it mean it. What I'm trying to say is, we don't really consider the possibility of them not being well, of us not seeing them. It is good to see them, but on a week-week basis, it becomes a given, sort of like a right, not a privilege.
From this I've learned that maybe we really do need to consider how blessed we are to see and talk to those we love when we wake up, or at some point. You can be extremely healthy, and your next breath still isn't a given.
Personally, I'm not afraid of death. I do not fear death as much as I fear it coming to those I love and care for. With that, I'll be trying my best from now on not to take the small things for granted.
I'm not saying I did before, and I'm not saying I won't ever again, but I think we need to try our best to seize every second of every day, because any second could be our last.
Peace & God Bless,
Chris.
Wednesday, March 7, 2012
Dealing with OCD/Germaphobia
I don't use blogger consistently, I'm not always on here updating people about my life and struggles. In fact, my life has been good lately, as I've stated in past posts. I've been playing tennis, I'll be getting my high school equivalency soon, and within 2 months I'll be playing golf and baseball again, along with tennis. Despite that though, there are still underlying issues which I need to address.
As you know, a lot of my anxiety is based around the fear of getting stomach issues. Whether it be food poisoning, Norovirus (stomach bug), etc. I greatly fear it. In fact, around this time last year was when my anxiety really began, and that fear actually grew into a fear of the anxiety in itself. I feared going into this "dark hole" as I've described it, overcome with shaking and sweating, not being able to control my thoughts, basically panic attacks.
Since then though, but more so recently, I've been developing in some ways, a worse issue. I have become an all out Germaphobe!
I've always been a pretty big hand washer/sanitizer user, even before this, but started in around the beginning of January, things greatly started to escalate.
It started one night when I was picking my sisters up from their church group. My mom had gotten talking to another mother while we were waiting, that mother mentioned about how her son was in the hospital because of some bacteria or really bad stomach bug. While that was going on, a bunch of kids come rushing from the bathroom (they're girls, they always go together) saying one of the other children (My sister's bestfriend actually) wasn't feeling well in the bathroom. Obviously, as I'm standing there listening to this my eyes probably grew wider and wider, this was a complete nightmare for me!
So we leave the church and before we get in we got my sisters to use this hand sanitizer we keep in the car, then when they got home they washed their hands and faces with soap. Now, having a fear of these things, I'd already done enough previous research to know how they are spread and how long they take to show, so I feared my sisters had already touched their eyes or nose or mouth and were already infected. This lead me to (for the next 48 hours) being a total freak about touching things. I'd turn off lights with my elbows, use kleenex to dry my hands after washing them, and just not touch a single thing I thought they could have possibly touched.
At the time I was like, alright, do this for 48 hours (then I'm in the clear) and I'll stop..and I did stop after 48 hours. But then things continued. I was constantly from then on up until now thrown into situations where I was with someone who had just been sick, I was with someone who suddenly a few days later got sick. I basically walked through this guys cough cloud at the doctors after he said he was sick all that night.
Anyways, I didn't think it was a big deal at first, but I've seen now that it really is. I have become a full fledged germaphobe. If I go out, whenever I come in I instantly put either soap or an anti bacterial cloth over my phone/iPod if I touched it while out. I constantly think about a chain of events which could have lead someone to touch something, then another thing, all leading to whatever I just touched and myself now being infected. I now ALWAYS turn off lights with my elbows, use my shirts to close doors, and if I touch something like a remote or the computer I am currently using to type this, I'll end up washing my hands before touching my phone or anything else again.
This has taken over my life!! I cannot go a second without fearing someone could have touched something who was infected, and passed it onto me. I make these webs in my head of chains leading to it. I'm constantly washing my hands, which doesn't help with my already dry and cut up hands from my eczema, most of all, it is a HUGE weight on my shoulders.
I never imagined it getting to this point, but it is wearing me down. I fear if it continues to worsen I'll never be able to go out, I'll be trapped inside my home because my fear is that strong; or if I do go out, I won't enjoy myself because of the constant over thinking I'll be doing.
Fact is, I really don't know what to do about this either. I feel I've been going no where fast with my therapist. It's basically become a "How are you? tennis good? School good? oh what's that, you're worried you might get sick? Well hopefully you don't" sort of deal. Nothing more than that, basically just a "you aren't suicidal so we don't have much to talk about here" sort of thing.
And I just feel ridiculously trapped inside myself. I've had people say to me "well just face your fear, don't wash your hands, etc" but I can't!! It's really not that easy, at least I don't think it is.
To give you insight into how much I fear these things, let me tell you this - one of the initial questions my therapist had to ask me when we first met was "Do you fear death?". Being a Christian, and a full believer in eternal life, I said no. In fact, I fear these issues more than I fear death. It is crazy, but true. It's gone from a "Well, I'm worried I might get sick" issue to a "Nobody is sick in my house, but I'm gonna do these no matter what issue". I almost feel as if I cannot enjoy anything I do anymore.
I don't believe there are any problems with being cautious, washing your hands, using hand sanitizer sometimes, hey I'm all for it! But when it has gotten to the point of almost ruining everyday for me, as it has, it's gotten out of hand.
So I don't really know what to do about it. Do I see a behavioral therapist? Do I go on meds (which I still don't want to do)? I don't know. If you know anything regarding this though, please help me out! Get @ me on twitter or leave a comment on the post. Share your experiences too! If you deal with OCD or germaphobia, please share! I feel so strongly towards people helping people, using our knowledge acquired from past or current struggles to help others deal with and avoid the same things.
Thanks, and as always,
Peace, and God bless,
Chris.
As you know, a lot of my anxiety is based around the fear of getting stomach issues. Whether it be food poisoning, Norovirus (stomach bug), etc. I greatly fear it. In fact, around this time last year was when my anxiety really began, and that fear actually grew into a fear of the anxiety in itself. I feared going into this "dark hole" as I've described it, overcome with shaking and sweating, not being able to control my thoughts, basically panic attacks.
Since then though, but more so recently, I've been developing in some ways, a worse issue. I have become an all out Germaphobe!
I've always been a pretty big hand washer/sanitizer user, even before this, but started in around the beginning of January, things greatly started to escalate.
It started one night when I was picking my sisters up from their church group. My mom had gotten talking to another mother while we were waiting, that mother mentioned about how her son was in the hospital because of some bacteria or really bad stomach bug. While that was going on, a bunch of kids come rushing from the bathroom (they're girls, they always go together) saying one of the other children (My sister's bestfriend actually) wasn't feeling well in the bathroom. Obviously, as I'm standing there listening to this my eyes probably grew wider and wider, this was a complete nightmare for me!
So we leave the church and before we get in we got my sisters to use this hand sanitizer we keep in the car, then when they got home they washed their hands and faces with soap. Now, having a fear of these things, I'd already done enough previous research to know how they are spread and how long they take to show, so I feared my sisters had already touched their eyes or nose or mouth and were already infected. This lead me to (for the next 48 hours) being a total freak about touching things. I'd turn off lights with my elbows, use kleenex to dry my hands after washing them, and just not touch a single thing I thought they could have possibly touched.
At the time I was like, alright, do this for 48 hours (then I'm in the clear) and I'll stop..and I did stop after 48 hours. But then things continued. I was constantly from then on up until now thrown into situations where I was with someone who had just been sick, I was with someone who suddenly a few days later got sick. I basically walked through this guys cough cloud at the doctors after he said he was sick all that night.
Anyways, I didn't think it was a big deal at first, but I've seen now that it really is. I have become a full fledged germaphobe. If I go out, whenever I come in I instantly put either soap or an anti bacterial cloth over my phone/iPod if I touched it while out. I constantly think about a chain of events which could have lead someone to touch something, then another thing, all leading to whatever I just touched and myself now being infected. I now ALWAYS turn off lights with my elbows, use my shirts to close doors, and if I touch something like a remote or the computer I am currently using to type this, I'll end up washing my hands before touching my phone or anything else again.
This has taken over my life!! I cannot go a second without fearing someone could have touched something who was infected, and passed it onto me. I make these webs in my head of chains leading to it. I'm constantly washing my hands, which doesn't help with my already dry and cut up hands from my eczema, most of all, it is a HUGE weight on my shoulders.
I never imagined it getting to this point, but it is wearing me down. I fear if it continues to worsen I'll never be able to go out, I'll be trapped inside my home because my fear is that strong; or if I do go out, I won't enjoy myself because of the constant over thinking I'll be doing.
Fact is, I really don't know what to do about this either. I feel I've been going no where fast with my therapist. It's basically become a "How are you? tennis good? School good? oh what's that, you're worried you might get sick? Well hopefully you don't" sort of deal. Nothing more than that, basically just a "you aren't suicidal so we don't have much to talk about here" sort of thing.
And I just feel ridiculously trapped inside myself. I've had people say to me "well just face your fear, don't wash your hands, etc" but I can't!! It's really not that easy, at least I don't think it is.
To give you insight into how much I fear these things, let me tell you this - one of the initial questions my therapist had to ask me when we first met was "Do you fear death?". Being a Christian, and a full believer in eternal life, I said no. In fact, I fear these issues more than I fear death. It is crazy, but true. It's gone from a "Well, I'm worried I might get sick" issue to a "Nobody is sick in my house, but I'm gonna do these no matter what issue". I almost feel as if I cannot enjoy anything I do anymore.
I don't believe there are any problems with being cautious, washing your hands, using hand sanitizer sometimes, hey I'm all for it! But when it has gotten to the point of almost ruining everyday for me, as it has, it's gotten out of hand.
So I don't really know what to do about it. Do I see a behavioral therapist? Do I go on meds (which I still don't want to do)? I don't know. If you know anything regarding this though, please help me out! Get @ me on twitter or leave a comment on the post. Share your experiences too! If you deal with OCD or germaphobia, please share! I feel so strongly towards people helping people, using our knowledge acquired from past or current struggles to help others deal with and avoid the same things.
Thanks, and as always,
Peace, and God bless,
Chris.
Saturday, February 4, 2012
Content With The Current
For a long, long time, I wasn't happy with the way my life was going.
I was always frustrated, and always wanted more out of life. I felt I had a lot of holes that needed to be filled, but I couldn't figure out a way to fill them.
Over time though I've found ways to fill those holes, or at least lay down the foundation to be able to fill those holes in the near future.
Soon I will be working towards getting my GED, which is basically a high school diploma. While I'm doing that I'm also continuing to do the tennis training, still keeping my dream of being a pro tennis player alive. I also feel like I have the perfect balance in life when it comes to friends. I have 2 very close friends, outside of twitter. We hangout all the time and talk a lot. Aside from those two, I have a few friends here and there that sort of tag along when we do things. Whether it's hitting the links for some golf, or enjoying a night at a bowling alley surrounded by loud music and drunk people. I've even sort of come to grips with my anxiety. Obviously it still can deeply trouble me when it acts up. Lately though I've been put in some very tough situations where my anxiety was tested, and I almost found myself saying screw it. I'm not gonna worry anymore, because, as my mom has been telling me for months, worrying does nothing.
So I've sort of found that middle ground: Tennis, school, friends. I get to chase my dream while at the same time have a backup to be able to go to college or university, and chase whatever dream comes up next. Whether trying to be a walk on for a university baseball team in America, or just enjoying being a college student, finding a girl, and setting up my life with a solid career.
Anyways, the other night my moms friend was talking to my mom about setting me up with this girl she knows. She's my age, smart, all that stuff. Now maybe a few months ago I would have been like "heck yeah", now? I'm like "heck no". Okay, I didn't actually say no, but I'm really not liking the idea. Before starting all the tennis stuff I was feeling very lonely, I was always out girl hunting. Whenever I'd see a girl I'd be like "maybe her", oh nope.."maybe her", now I couldn't care less.
I think there's two major reasons why I don't want to be set up and have a girlfriend:
1) I am totally invested in the tennis right now. That is where most of my heart is.
2) I don't want to disrupt this balance that I have right now.
I posted a blog about it a few months ago on my old wordpress one, and basically..I fear change! I have finally gotten to the point where I am happy with where my life is at. Obviously I'm striving for more, but I'm happy to do so. I realize that it couldn't hurt. Fact is, I'm not gonna end up dating some maniac like last time, but I have had some bad luck with women too.
I would also first be meeting this girl through facebook, which I'm not fond of either. I love having twitter, and having a group of friends based out of there, some who I have met, but facebook just isn't the place for that. So many times I've had "friendships" with people strictly through facebook because a friend introduced us. I'm cool with having a strictly twitter friendship, and continuing to add more friends to that mix, but not facebook.
Last reason, I want to meet a girl the old fashioned way. This is a tough one. Why? because I need to grow a pair and talk to a girl first. I just feel like, if I talk to some girl I just met and we get to know each other from there, I would feel a much greater sense of accomplishment through that.
Anyways, I don't have much more to say other than that. Moral of the blog is, in order to fill those holes which you feel are in your life, you need to lay down the foundations and building blocks first. I've done that, and though I may not be completed in filling in those holes, a huge weight has been lifted knowing I have started.
Until next time,
Chris
I was always frustrated, and always wanted more out of life. I felt I had a lot of holes that needed to be filled, but I couldn't figure out a way to fill them.
Over time though I've found ways to fill those holes, or at least lay down the foundation to be able to fill those holes in the near future.
Soon I will be working towards getting my GED, which is basically a high school diploma. While I'm doing that I'm also continuing to do the tennis training, still keeping my dream of being a pro tennis player alive. I also feel like I have the perfect balance in life when it comes to friends. I have 2 very close friends, outside of twitter. We hangout all the time and talk a lot. Aside from those two, I have a few friends here and there that sort of tag along when we do things. Whether it's hitting the links for some golf, or enjoying a night at a bowling alley surrounded by loud music and drunk people. I've even sort of come to grips with my anxiety. Obviously it still can deeply trouble me when it acts up. Lately though I've been put in some very tough situations where my anxiety was tested, and I almost found myself saying screw it. I'm not gonna worry anymore, because, as my mom has been telling me for months, worrying does nothing.
So I've sort of found that middle ground: Tennis, school, friends. I get to chase my dream while at the same time have a backup to be able to go to college or university, and chase whatever dream comes up next. Whether trying to be a walk on for a university baseball team in America, or just enjoying being a college student, finding a girl, and setting up my life with a solid career.
Anyways, the other night my moms friend was talking to my mom about setting me up with this girl she knows. She's my age, smart, all that stuff. Now maybe a few months ago I would have been like "heck yeah", now? I'm like "heck no". Okay, I didn't actually say no, but I'm really not liking the idea. Before starting all the tennis stuff I was feeling very lonely, I was always out girl hunting. Whenever I'd see a girl I'd be like "maybe her", oh nope.."maybe her", now I couldn't care less.
I think there's two major reasons why I don't want to be set up and have a girlfriend:
1) I am totally invested in the tennis right now. That is where most of my heart is.
2) I don't want to disrupt this balance that I have right now.
I posted a blog about it a few months ago on my old wordpress one, and basically..I fear change! I have finally gotten to the point where I am happy with where my life is at. Obviously I'm striving for more, but I'm happy to do so. I realize that it couldn't hurt. Fact is, I'm not gonna end up dating some maniac like last time, but I have had some bad luck with women too.
I would also first be meeting this girl through facebook, which I'm not fond of either. I love having twitter, and having a group of friends based out of there, some who I have met, but facebook just isn't the place for that. So many times I've had "friendships" with people strictly through facebook because a friend introduced us. I'm cool with having a strictly twitter friendship, and continuing to add more friends to that mix, but not facebook.
Last reason, I want to meet a girl the old fashioned way. This is a tough one. Why? because I need to grow a pair and talk to a girl first. I just feel like, if I talk to some girl I just met and we get to know each other from there, I would feel a much greater sense of accomplishment through that.
Anyways, I don't have much more to say other than that. Moral of the blog is, in order to fill those holes which you feel are in your life, you need to lay down the foundations and building blocks first. I've done that, and though I may not be completed in filling in those holes, a huge weight has been lifted knowing I have started.
Until next time,
Chris
Thursday, January 19, 2012
The Motive Behind Our Faith
For the first time in about 10 years I was a guest at a funeral. The funeral was for my step dad's father, who had lung cancer. It was a traditional catholic funeral (also my first time at one of it's kind) at the families church.
At many times I had the opportunity to reflect on my own life, and who I'm blessed enough to have in it. I've realized that I haven't really lost anyone in my tight circle to death. I've obviously lost distant relatives to it, but nothing life altering.
One thought that ran through my head today has stuck with me though. While the priest was talking about scripture, and about how we might have a more worldly view of heaven, nobody has really seen it. There's obviously been people who have claimed to have died, seen it and come back, but I'm talking about the other 98% of us.
A part of scripture that he mentioned was how our eyes have never seen, and our ears have never heard (what's in heaven) so we can't really make assumptions. Fact is, it is beyond our wildest imagination, something that is just so beautiful beyond worldly imagination.
Now, many times I have mentioned on twitter about, what exactly is heaven? Is it what we individually consider to be heaven? Will my view have lots of tennis courts and baseball diamonds and things I like..because to me, I'd be in "heaven" if I was surrounded by that. Or is it this one common place that everyone there sees for the same? I'm starting to think so.
Anyways, while the priest was talking about that a question popped into my head. "Do we follow Christ and worship him because we love him just as he loves us, or do we do it selfishly, in wanting to get to heaven?". When you think about it, obviously someone of a certain faith believes in that faith, okay, but there's more to it.
Religion goes further than believing in something or someone. Because in being religious we do something called worship. So, why do we worship? Why don't we just go on living our lives, believing in a higher being, but not doing much besides that?
I think it's safe to say, some of us do. There are people out there who believe in God but do not consider themselves religious, those aren't the people I want to focus on though. I'm talking about those who go to church every Sunday, sing their hearts out, pray, read the Bible, all of that stuff. Why do we do it?
It's mentioned in the Bible God was lonely, that's why he created us, so in that some of us want to give that love back. But behind that, isn't there some selfish motive? Aren't we just sort of doing that in order to get to heaven and have eternal life, and not..you know, go to hell?
So what group are those who do that in? Well personally, I don't think there is a group just for that because we all do. Let's face it, if there wasn't any reward in worshiping God, would half of us do it? Probably not even 95% of Christian's would. They'd say they would, but it's hard to imagine being of a different faith and having a different view from that of which you've grown up in.
So, lets ask ourselves; Why do we worship God? & what can we do as followers of Christ to strengthen our faith beyond those selfish, personal reasons?
At many times I had the opportunity to reflect on my own life, and who I'm blessed enough to have in it. I've realized that I haven't really lost anyone in my tight circle to death. I've obviously lost distant relatives to it, but nothing life altering.
One thought that ran through my head today has stuck with me though. While the priest was talking about scripture, and about how we might have a more worldly view of heaven, nobody has really seen it. There's obviously been people who have claimed to have died, seen it and come back, but I'm talking about the other 98% of us.
A part of scripture that he mentioned was how our eyes have never seen, and our ears have never heard (what's in heaven) so we can't really make assumptions. Fact is, it is beyond our wildest imagination, something that is just so beautiful beyond worldly imagination.
Now, many times I have mentioned on twitter about, what exactly is heaven? Is it what we individually consider to be heaven? Will my view have lots of tennis courts and baseball diamonds and things I like..because to me, I'd be in "heaven" if I was surrounded by that. Or is it this one common place that everyone there sees for the same? I'm starting to think so.
Anyways, while the priest was talking about that a question popped into my head. "Do we follow Christ and worship him because we love him just as he loves us, or do we do it selfishly, in wanting to get to heaven?". When you think about it, obviously someone of a certain faith believes in that faith, okay, but there's more to it.
Religion goes further than believing in something or someone. Because in being religious we do something called worship. So, why do we worship? Why don't we just go on living our lives, believing in a higher being, but not doing much besides that?
I think it's safe to say, some of us do. There are people out there who believe in God but do not consider themselves religious, those aren't the people I want to focus on though. I'm talking about those who go to church every Sunday, sing their hearts out, pray, read the Bible, all of that stuff. Why do we do it?
It's mentioned in the Bible God was lonely, that's why he created us, so in that some of us want to give that love back. But behind that, isn't there some selfish motive? Aren't we just sort of doing that in order to get to heaven and have eternal life, and not..you know, go to hell?
So what group are those who do that in? Well personally, I don't think there is a group just for that because we all do. Let's face it, if there wasn't any reward in worshiping God, would half of us do it? Probably not even 95% of Christian's would. They'd say they would, but it's hard to imagine being of a different faith and having a different view from that of which you've grown up in.
So, lets ask ourselves; Why do we worship God? & what can we do as followers of Christ to strengthen our faith beyond those selfish, personal reasons?
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